The Return
by jamster4170
Summary: My version of how season 18 should go. What happens when a tragedy brings Elliot back into Olivia's life? So much has changed for both of them. Can they ever get back what they once had?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: New story! I need Elliot back on the show and since it doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon, I decided to make it happen myself. The Olivia on the show now is nothing like the real Olivia we all know and love. She seems miserable to me and she has lost what made her Badass Benson. I think that a lot of that has to do with the way they wrote Elliot out of the show. I hope to restore some order to the EO universe with this fic.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

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From the moment she woke up, Olivia knew there was going to be something different about today. She couldn't put her finger on exactly why she felt that way; the air just felt thicker, heavier.

As the CO of SVU she had been drowned in paperwork, cases that were going nowhere, and on top of all of it, she had to hire a new detective. She hadn't had very much time to herself lately, giving every free minute she had to her son. Noah shouldn't have to suffer just because his mother was overworked.

While she wished she could stay in bed all day and avoid whatever disaster was headed her way today, Noah needed her, and that was more than enough reason to wrench the warm covers from her body and brave the cold November air. She walked down the hallway and listened outside her son's door. She didn't hear his usual morning chatter as he talked to his stuffed animals, so she knew he was still asleep. If she could just make it through her morning coffee before he woke up, she would have a better chance of making it through the day.

She wrapped her thick, white cardigan around herself and stifled a yawn. She didn't like to admit it to herself, and would never say it out loud to anyone, but she was getting tired. Tired of the job, tired of the tragedy and trauma every single day. And now that she was behind a desk more often than she was with victims, she felt empty and unfulfilled. Noah was the only thing that kept her going. Even if she only got half an hour with him, his smile was her buoy, keeping her afloat when it felt like she might drown.

She heard the stream of coffee peter out until the last few drops plopped into the mug Noah (with a lot of help from Lucy) had painted for her. As she waited for it to cool she tried to think of some things to be grateful for, hoping maybe the jolt of positivity would bring her out of this funk. She hadn't had a nightmare or flashback to her times with Lewis or Utley in weeks. Noah was learning how to write his name. Fin had, reluctantly, taken the Sergeant's exam and become her number two at work. She was in a comfortable relationship.

If two years ago you had told Olivia that she would be dating Ed Tucker, she would have had you committed. She didn't believe that people could change the essence of who they were, but at least on the surface, Ed was no longer an asshole. They had been together for about nine months now and while she was not in love with him, she had grown fond of him. She could guess that he loved her, though he hadn't said the words yet, and she was sure he was hesitant because he didn't know if she would say them back. The last time she had said those words had been to Brian and even then, she had meant she _loved_ him. Not that she was _in love with_ him.

Olivia didn't think she would ever fall in love again. She had already given her heart to someone and he had taken it with him when he left her.

"Morning, Mama." There was Noah, standing in the hallway in his Star Wars pajamas, rubbing his eyes with one hand and waving to Olivia with his other. She set her coffee mug down on the counter and held out her arms. Noah ran into them and Olivia scooped him up, kissing him all over his face. Noah's giggles were the soundtrack of the rest of the morning and Olivia forgot the ominous feeling she had about the day.

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The worst part about being the boss: paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork. The stack in Olivia's inbox this morning was so high, she knew she would be working through lunch. And sure enough, she was. She ate a vegetable wrap with one hand while answering emails and filling out forms with the other. Her phone pinged across the desk and she reached for it, her eyes still on her computer screen. She moved the phone in front of her face and saw it was Ed. She really didn't have time for him right now.

 _Are we still on for drinks tonight?_

Fuck. She forgot that they had made plans for tonight. Work had kept them both busy and they hadn't seen each other in a week. She knew he wasn't the one because she hadn't really missed him. But she had been alone all her life and it was nice to have someone, so she didn't want to push Ed away.

 _Let me confirm with Lucy and get back to you_.

Of course Lucy was happy to have the extra hours of work, student loans to pay off, so she texted Ed back a little while later to tell him she would meet him at the bar tonight. It struck her that a lot of their relationship was based around drinking, but she didn't think too hard about it. Her job was hard and she needed to unwind. She was nothing like her mother. Right?

Just then Fin came in with news that Rollins and Carisi had tracked down a suspect in their latest case. He was being brought into interrogation and Olivia wanted to supervise. She finished the last bites of her lunch and stood up from her desk. On to the next thing.

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Ed was recounting some IAB story and Olivia was only half listening. He had told her over the summer that he was going to leave IAB, but they offered him a pay raise and a promotion to supervise more people, so he took it. He thought Olivia would be upset, but it hadn't bothered her. As long as he didn't investigate SVU, she didn't care what he did.

Ed reached for her hand across the table, "Are you with me, Olivia?"

She focused in on him, her eyes coming up to meet his. "Yeah, Ed. Sorry. Just got a lot on my mind."

"You can talk about it if you want." He was trying, but Olivia wouldn't even know what to say. She made a mental note to call Dr. Lindstrom and make an appointment with him. She didn't see him biweekly anymore, just when she could squeeze him in or when she felt like she needed a session.

"No, thanks. I'm fine." She smiled and saw his worries ease. He didn't know her well enough to know a real smile from a fake one and she wondered if it was because she couldn't remember the last time, other than with Noah, that she had smiled a real smile.

She listened to Ed more intently this time as he repeated his story, but she could hear her phone vibrated against the wooden table. She ignored it at first but it stopped and started again a few times. She peaked at it and saw Fin's name.

"I'm really sorry, Ed. I have to take this. It's work." She went outside the bar to return Fin's call.

The wind was whipping, sending Olivia's hair in every which direction. She shivered a bit as the phone rang.

"Liv." Fin sounded weird. She knew him as the essence of calm and cool, but he sounded shaken up.

"What is it, Fin? It's 8:00. You can't just handle this case until morning?" Whatever was going on that had Fin sounding out of it, wasn't something she was ready to deal with right now. All she wanted was to have another glass of wine, go home, sneak quietly into Noah's room and watch him sleep for a little while before heading to bed herself.

"Liv, you're gonna wanna get down here. It's Lizzie."

"Lizzie?" She felt her heart drop.

She could hear Fin take a deep breath. "Yeah, Liv. Lizzie Stabler."

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 **A/N: I thought long and hard about how to bring Elliot back into the same sphere as Olivia and this just seemed like the most plausible way.**

 **Also, I have a lot on my plate right now, so I decided that I will update this story just once a week. I hope you won't mind too much. :)**

 **Please review!**

 ***Edit: changed the last line after a great anon suggestion. You were right. Thank you.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all the positive reviews and the excitement for my new story! I'm excited to take you on this journey with me.**

 **Before I proceed, I just want to get something off my chest. I've heard from a few people now how there are other stories where Lizzie brings Elliot back into the picture. I have only read one, but I'm sure there are others. Just like there are many Post-Burned stories or "What if El slept with Liv in Annihilated?" stories. Each of those stories is written by a different author with a different vision and has something unique about it. I hope you will see my story that way as well.**

 **I understand where you guys are coming from and I know you meant it in the best way, but I hope you trust me to write an interesting and unique story that is entirely my own.**

 **Please enjoy this next chapter. (Posting early before I leave for vacation).**

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When Olivia arrived to the scene near Union Square, she was on alert. There was no way Elliot would be here, they waited until the victim was taken to the hospital before calling the family, but still this was the first time she would be in the presence of a Stabler in five and a half years. Her heart broke for Lizzie. From what Fin told her over the phone, Lizzie had been found in the back alley of a club underneath the perp. From Fin's initial read, he thought she had been drugged. Two young men had snuck out for a cigarette and pulled her attacker off of her before he could rape her. A fight had ensued and the perp was knocked unconscious, giving the young men time to call the police.

Olivia ducked underneath the yellow tape. Normally she would head over to the scene and check in with Fin first, but this was Lizzie. The little girl she bought books for every birthday for thirteen years. The preteen who asked Olivia questions about her period because she was too embarrassed to ask her mother or sisters. The red and blue lights led her over to the ambulance and she saw Lizzie in the back on a stretcher. She had an oxygen mask over her face and she had grown up a lot in the years since Olivia had seen her, but it was still Lizzie. For a moment, Olivia was glad that her eyes were closed. Maureen and Lizzie were copies of their blonde mother, but their ice blue eyes belonged to their father and Olivia didn't know if she could face them.

After a few minutes, Olivia felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned around. It was Fin.

"Liv, I know you gotta be all over the place right now, but at least she is okay. He didn't get to her. We got him in cuffs and she is gonna be okay."

Olivia nodded and turned back to face the young woman. "I never thought I would see her again and certainly not like this. I just…" She sucked in a deep breath. There were so many emotions swirling through her head and she was trying to be professional, but this wasn't like any other case. This was personal, no matter how much time had gone by.

"I know. They're gonna take her to the hospital and have her stomach pumped. She's in bad shape. You wanna ride with her? I'll take care of everything here." Fin was a natural number two for her. They had worked together for so long and knew each other so well that she already relied on him, even before he became her sergeant.

Without a word, Olivia climbed into the ambulance, sitting on the bench next to the paramedic and Fin shut the door. She heard the _thump thump_ of Fin securing the car so it could pull away and felt it begin to move. Her first instinct was to reach for Lizzie's hand, but that was what Olivia would do, not Lieutenant Benson.

As she looked down at Lizzie, she thought that it was a good thing she had a son because this was breaking her heart and it wasn't even her own child. Olivia's primary goal in raising Noah was to ensure that he would never become a victimizer, but she knew there was no way to ensure your daughter wouldn't be made a victim, no matter how you raised her.

Lizzie stirred a lot during the ride to the hospital, but she never opened her eyes. The paramedic monitored her vitals and she was doing okay. Olivia knew that even if she was physically unscathed, it would be a long time before Lizzie was mentally and emotionally healed from the event of tonight. Olivia knew it was almost a definite that she would run into her old partner, but she needed to be there for Lizzie. Be with her.

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While Lizzie's stomach was being pumped, Olivia called Lucy and asked her to stay the night. For double overtime pay, Lucy accepted immediately and now that she knew Noah would be okay, she could focus all her energy on Lizzie. And on preparing herself for the inevitable.

 _Elliot_.

His name sent shivers down her spine. It was rare that anyone mentioned him in her presence anymore and in her daily life she didn't think about him much. But sometimes she would hear a deep voice that reminded her of his or smell cologne like the one Maureen had given him for Christmas the last year of their partnership.

It used to be that whenever something happened to her, she wanted to talk about it with Elliot. But the last thing that had prompted the desire in her to call him had been her adoption of Noah. When the judge signed the papers, she couldn't help but remember his words in the car. _Any way you wanna do it, I'll support you._

Sometimes when she would lay down in bed, vulnerable from exhaustion or alcohol, and she would think of him. She thought mostly about his soulful blue eyes, which she could read without a thought, and how that fateful day in the station, she had seen the light in them go out as surely as Jenna's and Sister Peg's.

Most of the time, Olivia lived in neutral and even years later, thoughts of Elliot Stabler caused her feelings to go into overdrive. Sadness, anger, pain, betrayal. That was why she rarely let him penetrate her thoughts in those moments before bed. But she had to admit that when she thought beyond the tragic end of their partnership to all they had shared, she missed him.

The connection they shared had been the most important thing in her life and it still disturbed that he had been able to sever the ties that bound them so easily and completely. She was grateful that the nurses had taken it upon themselves to call Lizzie's emergency contact. She didn't want her first contact with Elliot in half a decade to be telling him what happened over the phone

Olivia sat in the waiting room taking deep breaths when she saw the long blonde hair fast approaching. She tried to speak, but couldn't find her voice. _Kathy_. It hadn't occurred to her that Lizzie's mother might be the one called down for her daughter. Kathy hadn't seen her, so she just sat quietly and observed.

Kathy ran to the nurses' station and when she spoke, Olivia could hear her voice crack, "Hi, um. I got a call that my daughter had been admitted. Stabler, Elizabeth Stabler. Where is she? Is she okay? Can I see her?"

"One moment, ma'am." The nurse turned her attention to the computer, likely typing in Lizzie's name to find out her status. "She should be brought to a room in a few minutes and then you can see her. Why don't you take a seat and I'll come get you as soon as she's ready for you?"

Kathy ran her hands through her blonde hair, which had grown a lot since Olivia had last seen her, and thanked the nurse. She sat down in a chair across the room from Olivia, but still hadn't noticed her. Kathy was looking down at her clasped hands that rested in her lap, her right leg bouncing up and down. After a minute she looked up and though it took her a second, Olivia saw the moment of recognition.

"Olivia? Oh my god. What are you doing here?" She stood up abruptly and walked over. Olivia wasn't sure how Kathy would react to seeing her, but she didn't seem any more upset than she already was. But Olivia knew that as soon as she broke the news of why she was there, that would change.

Olivia pushed herself up from the chair slowly, coming to stand next to her former partner's gentle, blonde wife. "Kathy, I'm here for a case."

"Oh, so you're still at SVU then?" She hadn't put two and two together yet. Forget paperwork, the worst part of the job was this right here. Telling someone that their loved one was now a victim.

"I am." She took a breath and gathered her courage. "I'm here for Lizzie, Kathy." She saw the woman's knees give way and before she could crumble to the ground, Olivia had reached for her. It was instinct. Kathy's sobs rocked her body, and Olivia could feel her tremble. She heard Kathy struggle to breathe and pulled her up to a standing position, wrapping her arms around her. When someone was having a panic attack, pressing your body tight against theirs could help to calm them and Kathy's case it seemed to work.

When she heard her breathing regulate and she could stand on her own again, Olivia pulled back slightly and looked into Kathy's red eyes. "She wasn't. He tried, but he was stopped before he could. It's going to be hard, but she is going to be okay." Kathy nodded her head slowly and pulled Olivia back in for a hug.

Now that it wasn't an emergency, a necessity, Olivia could really focus on the fact that she was hugging Kathy. She had always liked the woman, but there was this invisible line between them. _He's what we have in common._ She remembered that day in the park like it was yesterday.

Just then the nurse from earlier came to get Kathy and Olivia sent her on her way. "I'll give you some time with your daughter. I need to talk to her, but it can wait."

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 **I could never let her be raped. I don't have it in me.**

 **Don't forget to review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This chapter was like pulling teeth, but it's finally here. I hope you enjoy it and don't forget to leave me a review! (It might inspire me to post sooner than next week.)**

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Olivia gave Kathy over an hour alone with Lizzie before she had to go in and get her initial statement. She would never really be ready to do this, so now was as good a time as any. Peeking through the glass panel in the door, she saw mother and daughter, eyes closed, seemingly asleep. There was an IV in Lizzie's right hand, but her left was clasped between both of Kathy's. She debated not disturbing them, but knew that if she lost her nerve, she might never get it back.

She slipped into the room quietly and made her way over to Kathy. As she approached, she couldn't help looking at Kathy's hands and how they held her daughter desperately. As a mother herself, she could understand. When Noah fell or otherwise hurt himself, Olivia rushed to pick him up and squeeze him tight. It not only comforted her son, but it calmed her as well to feel him and to know he was okay.

As she stared at Kathy's hands, lost in a trance, she realized something. Kathy wasn't wearing a ring. She felt her heart jump in her chest before she could remind herself that that didn't mean anything to her. She remembered the first time they had split, Elliot still wore his wedding ring, even though he told her Kathy did not. Her naked finger didn't mean anything, and even if it did, it didn't matter to Olivia. It didn't.

Kathy took a deep breath in her sleep as Olivia placed her hand on her shoulder. She rubbed the blonde's arm, hoping to ease her out of sleep. Kathy's eyes opened and met Olivia's. She sat herself up straight, keeping her hands wrapped around her daughter's.

"I'll wake her, Liv," Kathy whispered before moving one hand to her daughter's face and rubbing it gently. Lizzie was groggy, but she was waking up. Olivia steeled herself for her first glance of those blue eyes, but when they were finally revealed to her, she wasn't prepared at all. It was like staring directly into her partner's soul. She felt her chest constrict and she repeated in her head: _It's Lizzie. Just Lizzie. He's not here_.

She had changed - grown - so much since he had abandoned her, becoming CO of SVU, adopting a child, sustaining a relationship, so why did just the thought of him elicit such a strong reaction in her?

"Liv?" Lizzie's voice cracked as she said her name and Olivia wasn't sure if she could do this.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Was I…. raped?" She sat up suddenly and Olivia saw what little color she had left drain from her face completely. She knew that the chances of Lizzie remembering her attack or her attacker were slim, which was why she was so glad that he hadn't gotten away

"No, Lizzie. But you were assaulted. A couple of Good Samaritans stepped in and saved you. We caught the man responsible. I just need to speak to you about a few things. Find out what you remember about tonight." Lizzie nodded her head along with Olivia's words, but her eyes looked like they had been completely drained of life.

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In taking Lizzie's statement, Olivia was as professional as possible. As she listened to Lizzie describe being hit on, being pawed at, she tried not to let her anger boil over. When Lizzie said that everything became fuzzy after only her third drink, Olivia knew she had been drugged and she wanted to cry for the young woman. How could someone do such a thing? How did forcing himself on an incoherent woman make a man feel powerful?

Once she had everything she needed, she stood up from the chair the nurse had brought in for her and reached for Lizzie's hand, squeezing the cool flesh. When she tried to pull her hand away, Lizzie wouldn't let her.

"Mom," she turned to Kathy, who had stayed for her statement. "Can I get a minute with Liv?" Kathy nodded, but Olivia wished she would have refused her daughter. She didn't know what Lizzie was going to say to her and tonight had already been so draining, she just wanted to go home.

The door closed behind Kathy and Lizzie gestured for Olivia to sit on the bed. Cautiously, Olivia sat sideways by Lizzie's knees, facing her and still holding her hand. "What happens now, Liv?" She asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Well we got the guy, we have witnesses, I have to talk to the ADA, but I'm sure we'll charge him with attempted rape." Talking about the case was good. Well not good, but better than what she feared Lizzie would want to talk to about.

"That's not what I meant. What's gonna happen _to me_ , Liv?" Her eyes pleaded with the lieutenant to fix this for her, to make it go away. "I feel dirty. I feel sick. Every part of my body hurts. But most of all, I feel guilty. I feel like I was asking for this, like it was my fault."

Olivia couldn't let her continue down this path. "Lizzie, stop. This was _not_ your fault. Not even a little. You are going to be okay. There are going to be hard times ahead. You will probably have nightmares. You could get jumpy in crowded places. You might not want to sleep alone at night. But I promise, you are going to be okay." She watched a single tear fall from Lizzie's eye and she wanted to hold the little girl who used to fall asleep in her arms after every dinner she had with the Stabler family. As the kids got older and Kathleen became the squeaky wheel who got the grease, Lizzie had faded into the background, but Olivia had always held a special place in her heart for the little girl.

"Liv, you should probably get going," Lizzie said, sniffling. "Mom said she called him as soon as she heard. He should be here soon. I know you probably aren't ready to see him."

His daughter couldn't even say his name to her. That was how far they had fallen from being the people who knew each other the best in the world. She didn't miss the fact that even after her trauma, Lizzie was concerned about her father's ex partner. She really was Elliot's daughter. At least the Elliot she had once known.

"Where is he?" She couldn't help herself. He should have been here hours ago and Olivia knew that if he was anywhere in the city, he would be.

"He took Eli to the beach to stay at our grandma's house for the weekend. He's been taking him on a lot of trips since him and Mom divorced a few years ago." From Lizzie's demeanor, Olivia knew that she had no idea she had just dropped a bomb. Elliot and Kathy were divorced. She shook her head quickly to ward off errant thoughts. It didn't matter.

Lizzie seemed to be struggling to keep her eyes open, so Olivia stood up again and placed a kiss on her forehead. She pulled her card out of her wallet and dropped it on the nightstand. "Call me if you need anything. Anytime, day or night. You aren't bothering me, okay? I want to hear from you."

Lizzie's eyes were closed now, but she nodded her head. "I will, Liv."

Olivia smiled at her and made her way to the door. Her hand was on the knob when she heard it, "He misses you, Liv. So much." A shiver traveled down her spine. If Elliot had really missed her, if he cared about her at all, he would have come to see her or at least called. She would never forget the words that Bernie said to Kathleen when she brought her to the jail. _If he hated you, he'd just walk right out of your life._

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 **A/N: Still no Elliot, but I promise he is coming. I promise. Maybe as soon as next chapter. The sooner you review, the sooner you'll find out.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Okay guys, new policy. I get so excited when I finish a chapter that I want to get it out there for you right away. So I will post chapters as they are written, but I can't guarantee how much time will be between updates. Could be a day or two. Could be a week or two. Depends on my muse and my crazy schedule. For now, enjoy this chapter!**

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On her way home from the hospital, Olivia called Fin to exchange updates on the case. Before she could hang up, Fin asked how she was doing. Her default "I'm fine" gave way to an honest, "I have no idea." When she got home, Lucy was asleep on the couch. Olivia dropped her bags on the dining room table and made her way to Noah's room. Her son was asleep soundly in the same Star Wars pajamas he wore the night before; the sci-fi movies were his latest obsession. He was lying on his side and cuddling his teddy.

Olivia kicked off her shoes and hung her blazer over the back of the rocking chair. It was almost three in the morning so she wouldn't be getting a lot of sleep, but a few hours curled up with her son was better than a full eight alone in her bed. Especially after tonight.

Noah woke her up the next morning. He had turned his small body around so he was facing her instead of being her little spoon. His small hand was rubbing her cheek and he gave her a quick kiss on the lips. Olivia's eyes drifted open, still feeling every bit as exhausted as she had when she had laid down. "Morning, Mama," Noah said, smiling. Her right arm was already draped around his body and she pulled him into her, kissing the top of his head.

"Morning, baby," she whispered into his hair. She was thankful that she had been so exhausted by the time she fell asleep, that she hadn't dreamed of anything. Last night had been a trigger for her, without a doubt. She had worked out, with Dr. Lindstrom's help, that the best way to calm herself down when she was having flashbacks or bad dreams was to focus on the present. For her, that meant holding her son close.

She only had a few minutes before she had to shower and head back into work, so she headed to the kitchen, carrying Noah on her hip. Lucy smiled when she saw them.

"Hey, Liv. Long night?" She was folding up the blanket she had used last night.

"Very long." Olivia put Noah down at the table. "Lucy would you mind making Noah breakfast? I'm just gonna jump in the shower. I have to be back at work in about an hour."

"Of course. But make sure you eat something too. I worry about you sometimes, Liv." Lucy was so sweet and such an integral part of Olivia's support system. Not only did she look after Noah, but she was always attuned to Olivia's needs as well. Olivia felt bad that her work with the Bensons must have cost her a decent chunk of her social life, but Lucy didn't seem to be all that bothered by it and she never complained.

"I have a few pressed juices in the fridge. I'll grab one on my way out. I promise," Olivia called out as she headed into the bathroom.

Finally taking off the clothes she had put on this time yesterday felt wonderful. Her limbs were sore and achy from the long day and very short night, so Olivia made sure to turn the shower water on extra hot.

As she stepped under the water, she felt the weight of the last 12 hours. It was the most excitement she had experienced in months, and not in a good way. She had been enjoying her calm existence with things finally under control at work and her nights at home with Noah and her time with Ed. _Fuck, Ed._ She ran out of their date last night with barely a word to him. After her call with Fin she had gone back in to grab her purse and kissed Ed on the cheek before telling him a work emergency came up.

She and Ed had never had a conversation about Elliot and she hoped to keep it that way for as long as possible. There was no need for them to talk about him. He wasn't a part of either of their lives. Ed probably believed they had had an affair back when they were partners, as he had eluded to it once or twice over the course of his many SVU investigations. They hadn't, though not because Olivia didn't want to.

She had dreamed about, imagined it, even gotten herself off using fantasies of what it would be like. But more than she wanted to be with Elliot, she wanted to remain his partner. If they slept together, who knew what would happen after that. One of them would surely screw everything up and Olivia just couldn't lose him. He was everything to her. Of course, she had lost him anyway.

The water was getting cold as she turned the knob to 'off' she tucked away her thoughts of Elliot. This case was pretty much open and shut so it would all be wrapped up quickly. Lizzie's attacker would probably get a plea deal, so she wouldn't even have to see Elliot at a trial. She would like to follow up with Lizzie and check in on her occasionally, but that didn't mean she would have to have any contact with Elliot. He had made it clear through almost six years of silence that she didn't mean anything to him, and probably never had, so she didn't need to waste another minute thinking about him.

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Her resolution to tuck away any and all thoughts of Elliot lasted until lunchtime. Right before she was about to head out to grab a bite from the sandwich shop down the street, she got a text from Ed, asking her to call him. He answered on the first ring. "Hello."

"Hi, Ed. What's going on? I'm just heading to lunch." Olivia wasn't normally a fidgeter, but she played incessantly with a pen on her desk.

"What's going on, Olivia? You seemed off when you left last night and now you sound like you don't even want to talk to me." He seemed gruffer than usual and Olivia took a deep breath. Ed didn't deserve her taking out her frustrations on him.

"I'm sorry, Ed. The case we caught had me out all night and I barely got any sleep. I'm not myself."

She heard him clear his throat. "It's fine. You work too hard, Olivia. You're CO. You need to delegate. A lieutenant doesn't need to be at a crime scene." He was right, but she couldn't exactly tell him the reason she had taken such a personal interest in this case. "What did you do with Noah?"

Glad he had diverted the conversation away from Lizzie's case, she answered, "Lucy stayed with him. It wasn't a problem. She's a life-saver."

Ed hesitated for a second. "You know, I could stay with him sometime. It would save you some money and Lucy some time. I like hanging out with the kid. It could be good bonding time for us."

Olivia should have seen that coming. Ed had been pushing for more in their relationship, but she didn't have it in her to give. The three of them spent time together around the apartment, eating dinner and watching a movie before Noah's bedtime, but she always insisted on tucking her son in alone, claiming it was the only alone time they had all day. Noah and Ed got along well, but they weren't close. Ed wasn't the kind of guy to get down and dirty with a little kid, crawling on the floor, knocking over blocks, and Noah must have sensed it, because he was hesitant around his mom's boyfriend. But she didn't want to hurt Ed's feelings, so she tried to let him down easy, "He was asleep the whole time. Not much time for bonding. Plus Lucy is usually already there and she really doesn't mind."

If her rejection had hurt him, he did a good job of hiding it in his voice. "Well, when can I get a rain check for last night?"

Olivia looked over her desk at all of the paperwork piled high and she knew her email inbox was bursting. "I don't know, Ed. Maybe this weekend. Lunch?"

"It's a date." She had planned to rush right to lunch, but after she hung up, she sat back in her desk chair, using her feet to spin around in circles. Elliot hadn't come up at all in their brief conversation, but it was her determination to make sure he didn't that told her this situation wasn't as black and white as she thought it was. She hadn't even seen him, but part of her felt like she was being dishonest by not telling Ed about the case.

She was rolling her head around in circles when she heard a knock on the door. "Come in," she called, struggling to even find the energy to turn her chair around to face her company.

Fin's familiar voice flooded her ears, "Let me buy you lunch, Liv. We can talk about it if you want. Or we can sit in silence. Either is good with me."

Olivia summoned all of her strength and stood up. She didn't take Fin's friendship for granted. The men of SVU, Fin, Munch, Elliot, and Cragen, had been Olivia's family for so long, and Fin was the only one left. Munch and Cragen had retired, and they deserved it, but it hurt Olivia to find out how little they actually communicated when they didn't see each other every day. Fin had known her for almost two decades, he had been there for both the happiest and the darkest moments in her life. She wasn't much in a talking mood, but if she could talk to anyone, it was Fin. "Yeah. Okay. Let's go."

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Over lunch, Olivia managed to recount exactly what had happened at the hospital. She had already relayed Lizzie's statement to her Sergeant, but now she told him about Kathy being there, about the words she and Lizzie exchanged after the interview. What she didn't tell him, couldn't tell him, was how it all made her feel. She didn't have the words herself yet, and even if she did, she wasn't ready to share them. Elliot and his family were just too personal of a subject. She had truly believed that she was over her former partner, but this incident had just proved to her that he was still her Achilles heel.

Fin was heading to interview a witness after lunch and Olivia insisted he take the sedan. It was cold out, but she really didn't mind the walk from the diner. It was only about fifteen minutes, but it was fifteen minutes when no one needed anything from her. Not Noah, not Ed, not her squad. Fifteen minutes where she could be alone with her thoughts and not feel like she was neglecting any one of her countless responsibilities.

Her walk ended much too soon and as she turned onto the precinct's street, she prepared herself to get back into Lieutenant Benson mode. She looked down at the cold ground for a second, and when she looked back up, she thought she had to be imagining things. There was no way. She stopped in her tracks, about a hundred yards from the precinct. She blinked, but the scene in front of her did not change. On a bench in front of the building was no other than Elliot Stabler.

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 **A/N: Elliot's back! How will their first interaction go? While you're waiting to find out, please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

On his way to bed, Elliot peeked in Eli's room to check on him. The nine year old was out like a light and Elliot smiled at his youngest son's sleeping form. His time with Eli meant everything to him. He had missed so much of his four older children's lives and he didn't want to make that mistake with Eli. He loved taking the boy on trips to the beach or for weekends camping on the Delaware River.

Eli was bright for his age and so adventurous. He wasn't like those other kids Elliot saw who lived in front of screens. Growing up with four older siblings he was inquisitive and always interested in what was going on around him. Sometimes that made it hard for Elliot, like when he asked what 'laid' meant a few years ago because he overheard Dickie telling one of his friends that he needed to get laid. Overall, his time with Eli was the thing he looked forward to the most.

He was just closing the bedroom door behind him when his phone went off. "Shit." The ringer was still on loud from their time on the beach today and he cursed himself for forgetting to turn it down, hoping it hadn't disturbed Eli.

 _Kathy_

When he had Eli, she called once during the day to talk to their son for a few minutes. They had already spoken earlier today and she had to know there was no way Eli would still be up. She obviously wanted to talk to Elliot, but he wasn't sure what it could be about.

They had been divorced for a few years now and the relationship between the ex-spouses was about as good as one could expect. They got along when it came to their kids, but other than that they had no reason to interact. Kathy had started dating a man, Alan, last year and he treated their children well so he had no complaints. Curious as to why she could be calling, he pressed the green button and held the phone to his ear.

"Kath?" He whispered, trying not to wake Eli or his mother. He heard only heavy breathing in response. Had she pocket dialed him or something? "Hello? Kathy?"

"El?" As soon as he heard her voice he knew. His breath caught in his throat. They had been married for almost thirty years. He knew her tones and what they meant. One of their kids was in trouble. Dropping to the floor in the middle of the hallway, Elliot white-knuckled the phone so hard he thought it might shatter.

"W-W-Who is it?" He stammered. "What happened?" While he waited for Kathy to shred his world into a thousand tiny pieces that could never be put back together again he swore his heart did not beat.

"Lizzie. She's in the hospital. You need to come, El."

Lizzie. His little girl. His _littlest_ girl.

He closed his eyes and saw himself get up, race out of the house and head back to the city. But he didn't move. Couldn't move. His body was full of sand and he was being pulled down, lower and lower. He was sinking through the floor. In the distance he heard Kathy calling his name, but his mouth wouldn't open.

Sitting here wasn't helping anyone. He had to wake Bernie and ask her to stay with Eli. He had to drive the two hours back to the city to be with his daughter. He still didn't know what had happened, but Kathy said he needed to come. But before he could do any of that, he needed to get up. He wished he could just blink his eyes and be by her bedside.

"I'm coming, Kath," he finally managed to say after a few minutes of listening to her breathing over the phone. He was glad she hadn't told him exactly what was happening. If he fell apart in this house, he would never make it to the city.

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It took him almost two and a half hours from the time he hung up with Kathy until he got to the door of Lizzie's room. Her eyes were closed, but he knew his daughter was awake. He looked around and didn't see Kathy anywhere, so he pushed the door open as gently as he could. The two dozen steps to her bed felt like the longest distance he had ever traveled. As he looked at her lying there, he remembered the day she and Dickie were born.

Dickie was a great sleeper, right from the start, but Lizzie had had trouble. He had laid in the hospital bed with Kathy, Lizzie in her mother's arms and Elliot's wrapped around both of them.

She wasn't a baby anymore. But she was still his baby.

Now she looked just like her mother had in that hospital bed. Exhausted. Her blonde hair was matted with sweat and her skin had a bluish tint to it. Black eye makeup was smeared all over her face. Elliot dropped into the chair next to her and his breath hitched. Lizzie didn't need to see him cry. He needed to be strong for her.

"I'm okay, Daddy," she croaked, not even opening her eyes. Waves crashed over him. Relief. Sadness. Desperation. Pain. Anger. The tears he had been holding back jumped ship before he could stop them. As sobs wracked his body, Lizzie held her hand out to him and he took it.

His trembling hand brought hers to his lips and he kissed it countless times. When Lizzie finally opened her eyes, he was using the back of his other hand to wipe the moisture from his face.

The smallest half smile he could muster appeared on his face in an effort to comfort his daughter. Identical blue eyes held each other for what seemed like hours. No words were exchanged. Neither knew what to say to the other.

Elliot didn't need to know the details of what happened to Lizzie. Not tonight. He would find out eventually, but this wasn't about that. This was about being there for her. After over 20 years in law enforcement he could assess the situation pretty well on his own. She was conscious, no gunshots, no obvious cuts or bruises. He had worked in SVU long enough to know what had happened to his youngest daughter.

Lizzie must have seen it in his face because he heard her stale voice, "It didn't go all the way, Dad. There are good people in this world. They stopped him. They saved me."

Elliot tore his eyes away, looking anywhere else. In his perusal of the room, he saw a small piece of paper on the nightstand. Only the largest letters were readable to him given the tears that clouded his vision. The words they formed sent shivers down his spine.

Lt. Olivia Benson

The bile tickled his throat, but he forced it down. He couldn't make this about him. It was entirely about Lizzie. If Olivia was working this case, that was good. It meant Lizzie would get justice. That was all that mattered.

But he couldn't help the thoughts and feelings that stirred inside of him at just the sight of his partner's name. Former partner, he reminded himself.

She was a lieutenant now. Probably CO of SVU. No one deserved it more than Olivia. Not a day had gone by that he hadn't thought about her.

Memories of her were the only thing that got him through every single night he spent in the room with white walls.

Lizzie saw him burn the business card to dust with his gaze. "She was here, Dad. I told her you miss her."

The lump in Elliot's throat made swallowing painful, but he forced himself to before he spoke. "You didn't have to do that, Lizzie. I'm sure she couldn't give a shit."

"Don't be an idiot." Lizzie raised her voice admonishing her father and it forced a cough from her, her diaphragm spasming under the pressure. "I saw it in her eyes. She misses you, too."

Elliot stared at his daughter. He was supposed to teach his kids everything he knew, but they had taught him so much more than he ever could. It amazed him how Lizzie was able to worry about him at a time like this. She was incredibly selfless and empathetic; two traits she hadn't gotten from him, he thought with a shake of his head.

"Don't worry about me, baby. You just relax. Get some sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up."

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In the quiet hours while Lizzie dozed, Elliot's mind ran circles around one thing: Olivia. At one point, Kathy came back in, explaining she had gone down to the cafeteria to give Lizzie some time alone. Elliot sent her home to get some sleep, promising he wouldn't leave their daughter's side. Kathy did look exhausted, but he had asked her to leave so that he could be left with his thoughts.

Lizzie had seen Olivia. Kathy probably had, too. He didn't know whether to be jealous of them or glad that he missed her. He didn't know if he was ready to see her again. This was never how he imagined they would come back into each other's orbits

Despite his unease, he had to admit that every part of his body ached for her. His eyes to see her. His nose to smell her. His hands to touch her. Her chest to hold her. His lips to taste her. His heart. That was what ached most of all. The weight of five and a half years without his partner, his best friend, his other half, pressed down on his chest, stoning him to death.

The voice inside his head nagged at him, told him that he deserved every ounce of pain he felt. He had walked away from her, avoided her attempts to reach out to him. She probably hated him. She probably wanted nothing to do with him. It wasn't the first time he had thought about that very real possibility, but it did nothing to lessen his need for her. That's what it was. Not a want, not a desire, but a need.

His life had not been whole since they day he walked out of the 1-6 for the last time. Since the last time he looked into Olivia's eyes. Those chocolate pools lined with flakes of gold, which caught on fire when she smiled.

He wondered how often she smiled now. Unless he was with one of his children, he rarely did. It didn't take a genius to figure out why.

Elliot let his eyes drift shut and a slideshow took over in his mind. He remembered the first time he saw Olivia. She was wearing a white V-neck t-shirt and a gray suit that was much too big for her. The oversized material was probably meant to distract from her feminine body, but it wasn't getting the job done. She was the sexiest woman he had ever laid eyes on and he knew he was in trouble with her as a partner.

He remembered the warehouse with Gitano. Her beautiful eyes were red all over, but she never wavered, holding her gun on that sick fuck and refusing to put her partner's life, his life, in jeopardy.

He remembered pulling her soft, strong body into his outside of Kathy's hospital room the day Eli was born. They had always avoided contact, probably because they knew that if they slipped, it was a long way down.

He remembered everything. Every moment he had spent with her was archived. His usually flimsy memory was bullet-proof when it came to Olivia Benson.

As he conjured up images of her brunette tresses and plump lips, Elliot's body relaxed for the first time since Kathy had called him just hours ago. Before he even noticed that he was becoming tired, he was fast asleep.

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It was a cold day. Something Elliot was only aware of when he saw the white puff of air that proved to him he was still breathing despite where he was. The air was crisp and the ground crunched underneath his boots. The hospital was about thirty blocks from the 1-6 and Elliot walked the whole way with just a light jacket. His mind was so full with other things; he couldn't even register that he should probably be shivering right about now.

Elliot had no idea how he had ended up in front of his old station. Kathy had come to relieve him at the hospital and he thought he would go home for a shower and a bite to eat. But instead he had ended up here. But he couldn't bring himself to cross the threshold.

May 18. 2011. When he had walked out of this very building that night, he had felt it down to his veins, his nerves: he was not coming back.

Olivia was probably inside of that building right now. He used to be able to sense where she was, their connection so intense. Now he had no idea where she could be. If she was out, she had to come back eventually. He didn't know what he would say to her when she appeared, but there was a reason his feet had led him here. Five and a half years was too long. It was time to come back to Olivia. Time to come home. He just hoped that she wouldn't tell him to go fuck himself, even though he wouldn't blame her.

Minutes that seemed like hours ticked by and Elliot drafted a hundred speeches in his mind. All of the sudden he felt it. The ground under his feet seemed to shake. He didn't have to look up to know that she was near. Maybe their connection hadn't disappeared as much as he thought. When he finally lifted his eyes to her, it was like everything was happening in slow motion. He watched as she gathered herself, obviously not expecting to see him, and she strode toward him. The closer she got, the fast she seemed to be moving until she walked right past him and up the precinct steps.

Elliot stood up quickly and turned to face her. Before her retreating form could walk through those heavy wooden doors he called out to her, "Please, Olivia." He died a thousand deaths waiting for her response.

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 **A/N: I promise next chapter is the talk. Cross my heart.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I know this took a while, but I hope it was worth it.**

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"Please, Olivia." It was only two words, but it was enough to bring Olivia to her knees. She could practically feel her legs buckling underneath her. Since Elliot had left, Olivia had tried desperately to convince herself she didn't need him; that she was better off without him. But those two words and the pleading she could hear in his voice had shattered that illusion. Pieces of it lay at her feet and she turned around slowly, hoping not to get cut on one of the thousands of shards that surrounded her.

Elliot didn't look much different than she remembered him. The hair at his temples was flecked with salt, there were a few more lines on his face, and it looked like he put on about fifteen pounds of muscle. His blue eyes were exactly the same and when her brown ones connected with them, Olivia had to fight the instinct to run to him. To bury her face in his neck and cry out in agony over the last five years without him.

Elliot didn't plead, so she knew how low he must have been feeling and despite everything he put her through, she would never intentionally add to his pain. Slowly, she moved toward him and she saw Elliot's eyes go wide. He seemed to brace himself for the hell he was sure she would unleash on him.

Instead, Olivia took a seat on the bench, at the opposite end from him, leaving a few feet of space. After a few seconds Elliot took his seat as well. There was silence. Olivia was clearly not going to be the first to speak, so Elliot tried to break the ice.

"Saw your card. Congrats on the promotion. You deserve it." He swallowed hard, the words drying out his throat. His knees were shaking violently, so he covered them with his hands, hoping she wouldn't notice how nervous her mere presence made him. But of course she did.

"Why are you here?" She had to know. Other than an explanation of where he had been for five years, it was the one question she needed answered.

"I just want to talk to you, Olivia. I want to tell you how sorry I am." His voice lowered noticeably and Olivia could swear she saw a tear in his eye, "How much I miss you."

There was so much pain in his voice and Olivia knew a lot of it had to do with what happened to Lizzie, but she was coming to believe that some of it had to do with her. With their separation. She had truly believed that Elliot didn't care and that was why it was so easy for him to cut her out. But faced with him now, she remembered the thirteen years that they were deeply connected and she knew that he had to be hurting, too.

She wanted to tell him that he could have avoided all of this pain for both of them if he had just picked up the phone one of the thousand times she called. But instead, she shook her head gently, "I can't do this right now. I have to go back to work." She made to get up but Elliot was quicker and he stood in front of her, effectively blocking her.

"Then when? I really need to talk to you. Please?"

His desperation gave her a feeling of power. Whatever explanation he could think of, she wanted to hear it. "I'll meet you for a drink after work tonight. O'Malleys."

Relief peeked through the dark shroud that hung over Elliot. "Thank you," he said, stepping back to give Olivia space.

She held his gaze for just a moment before turning away and walking through the precinct doors.

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Elliot got to O'Malley's at six o'clock, unsure of exactly when Olivia would show up. As he nursed a scotch on the rocks, he looked around at all the carefree faces in the bar. Laughs and smiles abound, but Elliot could barely keep from falling apart. He knew that this could very well be his last chance with Olivia, and that he was lucky she was giving him this time at all.

The first forty minutes he spent waiting for her, he tried to come up with the right words to say to get her forgive him. But there was no way to anticipate how this conversation would go and the best way to get through to Olivia was to speak from the heart. So as he swallowed the last of his drink he decided to let the words come naturally.

When Olivia finally showed up at seven, Elliot wiped the moisture from his hands on his jeans before standing up to greet her. She made no move to hug him or even shake his hand. That's probably for the best, he thought. If he felt her skin underneath his fingertips, he might just fall apart.

"Thank you for meeting me, Olivia."

"You're welcome." She left her jacket on and Elliot tried not to take that as a sign that was ready to run.

"How's Lizzie?" She asked, settling into her seat.

Elliot let out a deep sigh and rubbed his hands over his face. "Honestly, I have no idea. She's so strong, you know? But I know how much this has to be hurting her. She doesn't remember, she blames herself. I.. I just wish I could fix it for her." A waitress swooped in just then and Olivia ordered a glass of red.

Elliot asked the waitress to put it on his tab; the least he could do was buy her a drink.

"Thank you," She said to him, finally taking her jacket off. "So you wanted to talk? I really can't stay long." She wanted to get home to Noah, but she didn't plan to tell him about her son. That information was more personal than she wanted this conversation to get. All she wanted from Elliot is an explanation. After that, she wanted him to disappear back to wherever he came from and let her go on without him, the way she has since that fateful day.

Elliot looked down at his drink as he spoke, "I can never say how sorry I am, Olivia. I can't imagine how much it hurt you when I left."

She bristled at his words, remembering when she broke down in that interrogation room, hyperventilating. Nothing had ever affected her like that before. Not even the news of her mother's death had stirred such a reaction in her. A piece of her soul had been yanked from her body and she was left an empty shell of a person for longer than she cared to admit.

Like it had on the bench outside the precinct, his voiced lowered until he was almost whispering, but he finally brought his eyes to hers, "If I could go back and change it, I would, Liv. Please know that."

At his use of her nickname, she felt the emotion rise in her. How could he just throw their partnership away, throw her away, after 13 years together? "Why, Elliot? Why did you do it?"

Running his hands down his face he took a deep breath. "I don't know, Liv. It was all too much for me. I couldn't believe I killed that little girl. I was supposed to protect her and I took her life. I knew I never wanted to hold a gun again. I think I didn't tell you because I was afraid you would try to talk me out of it. I didn't want that. I don't regret leaving the job, but my mistake was thinking that meant I had to leave you, too. That I regret more than anything."

Olivia shook her head rapidly, "I wouldn't have talked you out of it, Elliot. Not if leaving the force was what you really wanted."

"By the time I realized that, it was too late. Months had gone by and… I was a mess. I figured you were better off without me."

Tears pricked at Olivia's eyes, but she was determined not to let them fall. She had shed more than enough tears over Elliot Stabler and she didn't have any left for him. "Five years, Elliot."

"I'm so sorry, Liv." While she was holding back her tears, Elliot let his slip freely down his face. Instead of softening Olivia to him, it made her angry. He was not the one who got to be upset here. If he was hurting too, it was his own fault. He made the choice to sever their connection and Olivia did not feel bad for him for that. She was about to tell him just that when he spoke again, "I was in a bad place, Olivia. A really bad, really dark place after Jenna. It took me a long time to get back on my feet. There is no excuse for what I did to you, but you have to know that I truly thought that staying away was the best thing I could do for you."

Olivia let his words sink in. In their thirteen-year partnership, she had seen Elliot go to a dark place a few times, but the look in his eyes as he spoke was nothing she recognized. The bright blue had dulled and any trace of expression had vanished. Just remembering left his eyes completely lifeless.

His hands were folded on the table and for a moment, Olivia felt the urge to reach out and rest her hands on his. But the events of the last five years and his absence throughout kept her from doing so. They sat in silence for a few minutes and Olivia had to admit that once he had made himself vulnerable, his presence was a lot more calming. It was so easy to remember the time in her life when she relied on him for everything. Even though he had a family of his own that needed him, he still made her a priority.

As she pondered their past relationship, a question rose to the surface. "Elliot, what do you want?"

"I don't know, Liv," he answered, honestly. "But I do know that I don't want to go another five years without talking to you."

She didn't want that either, she realized, but Olivia had no idea where Elliot would fit into her life, if at all. They had always been partners and without the work, what would a relationship look like between the two of them? She barely saw Noah as it was and Tucker kept her pretty busy as well. Her job didn't leave much time for friends, not they had ever been friends in the first place. She didn't know what to call the relationship they had shared, but it was never simple friendship.

"I'll be around. I'm working Lizzie's case. Her attacker is in custody. I'm sure he'll take a plea deal, so Lizzie won't have to go through a trial. But I want to follow up with her anyway."

Elliot nodded at her words. It was the most he could hope for. She wasn't shutting him out entirely. "Do you think she's going to be okay, Liv?" Olivia had always had a deeper understanding of the victims; a word that he hated now fit his daughter.

"It'll be hard. But she will be, El. She wasn't raped." It still felt unreal to Olivia to be speaking of Lizzie in this way.

"That doesn't matter, Liv," he said, shaking his head. "If anyone knows how damaging attempted rape can be, it's us." He pulled the drink napkin out from under his glass and began ripping it to shreds mindlessly, his hands needing something to do.

Olivia swallowed, trying to stop the flashes in her mind. The words escaped her before she had a minute to think about them, "I think I know just a bit better than you do."

Elliot's head snapped up. Olivia wasn't sure how he would react to her slipped statement. Five years ago, he wouldn't have let up until she explained herself. Actually, Olivia thought, she wouldn't even need to explain her words, because Elliot would have been by her side throughout all of it. She wondered if he even knew about Lewis.

She didn't talk about it. Not with Fin. Not with Tucker. Not with anyone other than Lindstrom. It was the most depraved, most humiliating experience of her life and she did not want to relieve it. Especially not with Elliot.

When Lewis had her, there was a part of her had been hoping that he was out there looking for her. Once she was rescued, she thought that maybe he would turn up at the hospital. While she was resting at Brian's place, she was sure he would call or even ask Cragen where to find her. But none of that ever happened. She had never told anyone, not even her therapist, that in those moments when she had been sure she was about to die, Elliot's face was all she could see.

"Liv?" She had disappeared into her thoughts and he tried to draw her back to the present. He knew what she had meant. Lewis. He only knew the details which had been on the news, not wanting any more unless they came from Olivia herself. But now was not the time to have that discussion. He saw Olivia's eyes focus in on his and he asked, "You back?"

Olivia looked down at her watch just then and stood up, draining the last sip of her wine. "Thank you for the drink, Elliot, but I better be going." There was still a chance she might catch Noah awake.

Elliot stood up as well, but he knew better than to try to hug her. Instead he offered a half-smile. "Thank you for agreeing to see me. To hear me out. It meant a lot to me."

"Goodbye, Elliot," she said, turning on her feet.

Before she could take a step, she heard Elliot's voice. "Please don't say that."

Without turning back around, she said softly, "I'll see you around."

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 **I worked incredibly hard on this chapter and it would mean the world to me to hear your thoughts. Please review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Only a bit more than a week between updates this time! Proud of myself! But the moving process is now in full swing so writing will be on the back burner for a little while. When I have updates ready, I will post.**

 **For now, enjoy this chapter and leave a review!**

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Olivia wished she could say that her conversation with Elliot had provided the closure she needed to finally put him behind her once and for all, but it seemed to have had the opposite effect on her. She caught herself thinking about him more than ever before. Filling out paperwork, interviewing potential new detectives, grabbing a bite to eat, lying in bed listening to Noah's breathing on the baby monitor. Elliot had taken up permanent residence in her mind.

Sometimes she wondered what he was doing at the moment or what his life looked like now. But mostly she thought about what he had told her at the bar. And what he hadn't told her. _"I was in a bad place, Olivia. A really bad, really dark place."_ She heard his words over and over in her mind and she couldn't help the curiosity that tugged at her. She wanted to know more.

It made her feel just the slightest bit better to know that Elliot's life hadn't been all good times since he left and she hated herself for taking any bit of solace in his pain. She had been in a very dark place herself and she wouldn't wish it on her worst enemy. But somehow, knowing that Elliot had been hurting as well, made her feel less alone.

The sounds of Ed's grunts brought her back to the present. On the other side of the kitchen, he was struggling to open a jar of sauce for the pasta that he had insisted on making her for dinner. Olivia sipped her wine, unsure if she should offer to help. Most men took offers of assistance as a threat to their masculinity, she knew. After a few more tries and running it under warm water, the jar gave way under Ed's grip.

The way he moved around the kitchen was determined, but it didn't strike Olivia as very natural. Ed was always a bit stiff, but he seemed more so tonight. She looked over her shoulder to see Noah building a tower with his Legos on the living room floor and she smiled at her son.

"So how's the search for the new detective coming along?" Ed asked as he stirred the pasta to keep the noodles from sticking.

"It's coming," Olivia answered taking the last sip of her wine. "A few good candidates, but I don't think I've found the right person just yet."

"What do you mean? They have a clean record, good recs, they seem like a decent person who would be able to handle the vics, you hire 'em. Takes one more thing off your plate."

Olivia shook her head but Ed couldn't see it as he tended to the stove. It wasn't just about how the applicants looked on paper. It needed to feel right. To feel like a good fit. Sure, she would love to have one less thing to worry about, but she wasn't going to sacrifice the quality of her unit to make her life any easier. "I don't know," she said, knowing Ed just wouldn't understand.

She reached for the bottle of wine to refill her glass when she heard her phone ringing from across the room. It was a Saturday night and she wasn't expecting any calls. She made her way over to the coffee table to grab it and Noah looked up at her. He asked, "Mommy leaving?"

"No, baby. Mommy's staying here with you," she answered, feeling a pang in her chest at the fact that her son associated her phone ringing with his mother leaving him.

The number wasn't one she recognized, but she picked it up nevertheless. "Benson."

She heard the caller take a deep breath before a shaky voice asked, "Olivia? I'm so sorry to bother you. Is now a bad time? Can you talk?" _Lizzie._ Olivia turned around to see Ed still working in the kitchen, unconcerned about who was calling her. There was no way she could have this conversation in front of him.

"It's fine. Just hold on one second," she told Lizzie, pressing the phone into her chest to muffle the microphone.

"Ed, it's work. I'm just going to take it in my room. Keep an eye on Noah?" She doubted he would get suspicious. Ed knew that her cases involved confidential information that he could not be privy to and on top of that, she didn't like to discuss her work in front of Noah.

When he nodded in assent, Olivia moved to her bedroom, closing the door behind her. She sat down on the bed and pulled a throw pillow into her lap, working the edges of it with her fingers. The phone back at her ear, she asked, "What is it, sweetie? Are you okay?"

"I… I don't know." Olivia could hear it in Lizzie's voice. The timidness, the insecurity, it reminded her too much of herself.

Lizzie drew in another breath, her sniffle giving away the tears that Olivia could imagine rolling down her pale cheeks. "I'm… I can't sleep, Liv. I try and I try. I've been staying with my mom and I lay in my bed all day with the curtains drawn and I just stare at the ceiling willing myself to fall asleep, but I can't. And at night, I have to keep all the lights on, and I'm too scared to fall asleep. I just… I'm so tired, Liv. I just want to sleep. But when I close my eyes, I see it. I feel… him."

Lizzie's rushed words stimulated Olivia's tear ducts and her vision became cloudy as she gripped the phone tighter. "I know, Lizzie. I know how scary it is and how sick you feel. But you need to know that you are safe now. He can't touch you. He can't hurt you, Lizzie. I promise."

Quiet sobs echoed through the phone. Olivia wished she could hold the young woman, but she knew that if Lizzie was anything like her, she probably wasn't letting anyone touch her yet. Olivia stayed on the line as Lizzie cried, whispering words of assurance every so often. Her heart was in a vice grip. The victims had always affected her deeply, but the pull grew stronger after becoming a victim herself, and this was no normal victim. This was Lizzie, the daughter of the man that had been her everything for over a decade. She loved this girl and wanted to protect her as much as if she were her own child.

After a few minutes, there was a soft knock on the door and Ed called out, "Liv, dinner's ready."

Lizzie must have heard the commotion because all of the sudden, she took a sharp breath, "I'm so sorry, Liv. I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry."

"Lizzie, no-" And the line went dead.

Olivia tried to pull herself together, but before she could wipe her eyes, Ed was peeking his head in the door. "Liv, dinner-." He stopped when he saw her tear-streaked face and her red eyes.

Walking into the bedroom and closing the door behind him, he came to sit next to her on the bed. "What's going on?" He didn't sound too concerned. It seemed to Olivia like he was just asking because he thought he should. And now Lizzie was gone. Olivia felt her chest starting tighten. She threw the pillow that have been resting in her lap down onto the bed and stood up.

"I don't really want to talk about it, Ed."

"Olivia, you're clearly upset," he said, standing up with her. "Who was that?"

Without thinking about it, she answered, "That's none of your business. It's personal."

Ed took a step back. "I'm sorry. I was under the impression that we were personal." He turned around and walked out of the bedroom, being careful not to slam the door and upset Noah.

Olivia ran her hands through her hair. She could chase after Ed and apologize, but her phone sat staring at her from its place on her bed. It was an easy decision. She picked it up and called Lizzie back. It rang twice before going to voicemail. She called back once more but she knew Lizzie wouldn't answer.

After her own traumas, Olivia hadn't wanted to feel like she was bothering anyone by unburdening herself on them. "Lizzie. Please call me. You aren't bothering me. Please." But she knew Lizzie wouldn't call.

After washing herself and cleaning herself up, Olivia made her way out into the kitchen. Ed was plating the pasta, but he didn't look too happy about it. "Dinner," he mumbled. Olivia scooped up Noah and placed him in his high chair.

Other than Noah's gibberish, they ate mostly in silence. Olivia cut up Noah's pasta and tended to her son throughout dinner, but Ed barely looked up from his plate. She wondered if she should tell him about Lizzie, but that would inevitably lead to a discussion about Elliot and she wanted to avoid that conversation with Ed for as long as possible.

It was not like Elliot was back in her life. They had had one conversation. Ed was her boyfriend, but that didn't give him the right to know every person she spoke to. He definitely didn't need to know that she had been thinking about Elliot's stormy blue eyes all week.

She was just wiping off Noah's sauce-stained face with a wet paper towel when Ed finally looked up at her. "I think we need to talk, Olivia."

Before she could answer, Noah interrupted, "I'm sleepy, Mommy." His eyes were red from his little fists rubbing them frantically.

"Let me just bathe him and put him down, okay?" Ed nodded and Olivia left him to clean up while she went through Noah's bedtime routine.

As she splashed along with her son and washed his soft skin, she thought about Ed. Even on the nights he slept over, he was never a part of Noah's bedtime routine. She always bathed Noah, rubbed baby lotion over his constantly moving limbs, read him a story in the rocking chair, and kissed him goodnight alone.

Their mother-son time meant everything to her, but there was still a part of her that ached for a family of three. A father for her son who would splash along with them, chase Noah down when he tried to escape her slippery, lotion-covered hands, read him books in a deep, but soothing voice. But when she tried to picture Ed in the role, it didn't feel right. She tried to replace the dark shadow casted over the man's face with Ed's, but it was like forcing together two puzzle pieces that were clearly not meant to interlock.

Then again, that man might never come along and Olivia didn't know how much longer she should hold out hope until it just became embarrassing. She was pushing 50 and she did enjoy the time she spent with Ed. Maybe that was enough.

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Once she was sure that Noah was fast asleep, Olivia kissed his forehead once again and closed the door quietly behind her. Ed was sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other. The television was muted on a highlight reel from some football game. When he saw Olivia approaching, he switched it off. "So?" He asked as Olivia took a seat next to him.

"So what, Ed?" She turned to face him, bringing her right leg up on the couch and tucking it underneath herself.

"So are you going to talk to me about what is going on with you?" He was upset, that much was clear, but he was trying to keep it together.

"We caught a case recently that was very personal to me," she said, hoping to dance around the specifics. "It's been hard for me to deal with."

"Are you talking to Lindstrom about it?"

Olivia knew she should be glad that he wasn't prying, but it upset her that he didn't even seem to care enough to press for more information. If something was bothering her, shouldn't he want to try to talk it through with her as well? To support her and be there for her? She didn't want his support with this one, but she wanted him to want to support her. Olivia rubbed her temples as she felt a migraine coming on.

"I have an appointment with him this week." The morning after seeing Elliot, she had called Lindstrom on her way to the precinct and set up a session with him for Wednesday. In just 24 hours she had accumulated sessions worth of material. Tonight was just the icing on the cake.

"That's good," Ed said, cracking his knuckles. "Maybe I'm making this up but I feel like things have been different between us the last few months. Maybe we should try to take that trip to Paris. Just the two of us. A little romance to recharge us." He was looking at the black television screen as he spoke.

At the beginning of the summer, when he told her he was leaving IAB, he had also proposed a trip to Paris. Olivia, Noah, and himself for three weeks. They talked about it for weeks but then Ed decided to stay at IAB and work got busier and life got more hectic and the conversation came up less and less often until it was just assumed that they wouldn't be going anytime soon. Now he was bringing it up again, but this time he didn't want to bring Noah with them, evidently.

Olivia's frustration levels were rising and a splitting headache overwhelmed her. Paris was her dream. Dream trips were not meant to be taken when relationships were on rocky ground. The faceless man of her fantasies, the one who treated Noah like his own, who knew and loved every part of Olivia, that was who she wanted to go to Paris with.

She went with an understated rejection, "I don't think that Paris is the answer to our problems. After my appointment this week, let's do dinner and talk about things. About us. Okay? Maybe once we've worked through this rough patch, we can reconsider Paris."

Ed reached for her hand and brought it to his lips, giving it a quick peck. "I just want us to be good, Olivia."

She looked down at their joined hands and back up into Ed's eyes. The first thought she had was that they were much lighter than Elliot's. "I know," Olivia said.

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	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** **Sometimes I am supposed to be packing and shopping and preparing for my move and it all gets too stressful so I write instead.**

 **Hmm... My last chapter didn't get very many reviews. I'm wondering if that was because it featured a bit of Tuckson. This chapter is Tucker-free so maybe that will inspire more reviews.**

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Olivia stood on the doorstep of a house in Queens, watching the white puffs of air escape her mouth, curling and twisting in the mid-November cold. This wasn't just any house. Olivia had no clue if Kathy still lived here, but Lizzie had said she was staying with her mother and this was Olivia's only lead. She could have run a quick search, but she didn't want it logged into the system that she had searched her former partner's ex-wife.

In her gloved hands, she clutched a box of tea and a candle. She had considered putting them in a gift bag, but this was no occasion for gifts.

She had been standing there for about five minutes, working up the nerve to knock. Lizzie had not called her back since hanging up abruptly last night, but Olivia couldn't stop hearing the echoes of her sobs. First thing in the morning, she headed down to the organic foods store across the street from her apartment.

Chamomile and peppermint tea and a lavender oil candle. Those all-natural remedies had been the only thing that helped Olivia sleep after her run-ins with Lewis and Utley. She hoped they would rescue Lizzie from the voices in her head that she knew were haunting her when she laid down to sleep.

She heard a laugh coming from inside the house and peeked through the glass. A young blonde boy darted across the foyer. Could that be? _Eli._ And then she saw him. Elliot's wide shoulders and strong arms gave him away. He was hunched over, chasing after his son. She watched as he stopped suddenly and stood up, his back to her.

Slowly, he turned and when they made eye contact through the windowpane, Olivia could swear she saw a small smile tickle his lips. She drew in a sharp breath as he made his way to the door.

"Hi, Liv," he said meekly, gesturing for her to come in. Meek. It was never a word she would have used to describe the Elliot Stabler she knew. Now it served as a reminder of exactly how much had changed in their time apart.

Olivia shivered, her body temperature adjusting to the warm house. His presence didn't help either. She hadn't been expecting him, remembering that when he and Kathy split, she had been the one to stay in the house. Olivia had assumed it would be the same this time around. She looked down at the items she carried. Wanting to get right down to business to avoid any more conversation than necessary she said, "I wanted to bring some stuff by for Lizzie. She called me last night and said she wasn't sleeping. I thought maybe this could help. Is she here?"

Her words seemed to fluster Elliot and she guessed he had no idea about Lizzie's phone call. "Yeah, she's upstairs in her room. Kathy got called in to the hospital last minute so she asked me to come over and look after Eli, keep Lizzie company."

She would never have asked, believing she no longer had the right to know, but she appreciated his explanation. "Do you mind if I try to talk to her?" The awkwardness of the situation didn't escape her, but she tried to remain focused on why she had made the trip. It was for Lizzie.

Elliot gestured over to the stairs. "Please, Liv. Anything that might help her. All those years in SVU and I don't even know what to do for my own daughter. But I guess you were always better at that part, huh," he shrugged.

Before Olivia could head in that direction, she was cut off by long legs and blonde curls. "Hi," Eli said, giving her a wave.

"Hi." Looking into his eyes, Olivia felt each one of the last five years weighing heavy on her chest. Eli had grown up so much from the little boy that she remembered. Only a few days ago had been his ninth birthday. Eli's birthday was a day she would never forget. It had been an honor to hold his tiny, slippery body against her chest, to protect him in his first moments of life. Those moments in the back of the ambulance had endeared her to Elliot's youngest son in a way that was unlike anything she had ever known, until she had her own son.

"You're her," he said, brushing the curls from his face.

Olivia's breath hitched. "I'm who?"

"You're Olivia," he said matter-of-factly as if he his words weren't shaking her to her core. She had never expected that Eli would know anything of her. He was so young when Elliot left the force, left her, that it would have been easy for him to forget she ever existed.

Elliot stepped in just then, scooping up the young boy with one arm encircling his waist and moving him out of Olivia's path. "Olivia's here to see Lizzie, Eli. So let's not get in her way, okay?"

Still wrapped up in his father's grip, he nodded, causing his blonde curls to spring up and down. Olivia could almost smell that soft baby scent she would soak up whenever she had held him in her arms. "Can we play Super Mario Cart, Dad?"

"Sure, Buddy. But do you really wanna lose again?" He teased, putting Eli down. As soon as the boy's feet touched the ground he took off, waving to Olivia as his skinny legs carried him from the room.

"Take your coat off, Liv. Lizzie keeps her room on the chilly side, but not that cold." His effort at a joke almost made Olivia laugh, just because he was trying so hard. "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen and uh, I'll just be in the living room with Eli if you need anything."

"Okay," she answered, giving him a small smile. Elliot visibly relaxed and Olivia wished it would be that simple to put Lizzie at ease.

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"Dad, I already told you I don't want anything to eat. Please go away," Lizzie called out from behind her door. Olivia had knocked once, gently, not wanting to wake her up if she had found a few minutes' rest. Of course she hadn't. She knocked once more before opening the door and stepping into the room, tentatively.

"Hey, Lizzie." She took in the young woman's appearance. Her hair was pulled back, but only barely. The band had almost worked its way out of her blonde tendrils from all of the tossing and turning. The skin around her eyes looked like someone had taken a swing at her, but it was just the exhaustion manifesting itself on her body. However, the black and blue marks on her arms were definitely the handiwork of her attacker. He had gripped her so hard that the outline of his fingers were left behind. Her eyes themselves were red and Olivia wondered if that was more from the lack of sleep or the fits of crying. Probably both, she thought, with a slight shake of her head.

"Liv, I'm sorry for calling last night. You work really hard. It was Saturday night. I shouldn't have bothered you. It was selfish. You didn't have to come here." Her hands kneaded the thick down comforter that covered her.

"Would you please stop for one second?" Olivia asked, placing the tea and the candle on Lizzie's desk and pulled out the chair, wheeling it over to sit next to the bed. "You were not bothering me. You could never bother me, sweetie. You need help and you reached out, which is exactly what I asked you to do when I gave you my card. There was absolutely nothing selfish about it."

Lizzie nodded silently, a tear slipping down her cheek.

"I came here because I wanted to. Because I know what you are going through and I want to help you, Lizzie." She gestured over to the desk, "I brought you some tea and a candle to help you sleep."

Lizzie opened her mouth, but Olivia jumped in, "Before you say anything, they work. Trust me."

"It's not just that I can't sleep. I'm afraid to sleep, too. Whenever I close my eyes I see it. The few hours of sleep I get here and there are filled with the worst nightmares. I wake up sweaty and screaming… I scared Eli yesterday. He heard me screaming and when he woke me up I yelled at him." She buried her face in her hands and Olivia watched as her body shook.

"Lizzie, can I… Can I hug you?" For a moment, she froze. But Olivia waited patiently until she nodded her head. Slowly she moved over to the bed and sat down next to Lizzie, wrapping her arms around the young woman and bringing her head of messy blonde hair to her chest. She rubbed Lizzie's shoulder as she felt her cry and tilted slightly to place a kiss on the crown of her head.

"It's going to be okay, Lizzie. It is," she whispered.

Olivia didn't know how much time had passed while she held Lizzie, but once she felt her body stop shaking, she pulled back. Lizzie wiped her eyes and looked up at Olivia. "I was going to say I'm sorry, but I stopped myself," she said.

"Good girl," Olivia replied. "What do you think? Should I make you a cup of tea and maybe light that candle and we just see how it goes? I'll stay with you until you fall asleep."

"Yeah, okay. I'll try it. Thanks, Liv."

"You're very welcome."

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Lizzie had been out for over half an hour when Olivia finally made her way downstairs. She had to get back to the city and relieve Lucy, who had dinner plans with some friends. When she had come down to make Lizzie her tea, Elliot and Eli had been playing video games, but she noticed now that the television made no sound and the boys' voices were coming from the opposite end of the house.

It would be rude to leave without saying goodbye, she thought, and headed for the kitchen. Eli was munching on some potato chips, the crusts of some sort of sandwich left on his plate. Elliot was eating soup. "Chicken noodle," he said, feeling Olivia's stare. "I made it for Lizzie, but she didn't want any."

"Lizzie's sad because some bad guy hurt her. That's why you came, right? You're a police officer like my dad was?" Eli asked before popping another handful of chips in his mouth.

"Yeah, Eli. I came to see if there was anything I could do to help her."

"Did she yell at you? She yelled at me yesterday," he said, looking down at his food.

"Buddy, I told you that wasn't about you," Elliot said, ruffling his son's curls. "Lizzie was just sad and she took it out on you. She didn't mean it."

"Yeah, I know."

Elliot and Olivia locked eyes over the boy and Elliot cleared his throat. "Why don't you start on your homework in the other room, Bud? Give me and Olivia a second to talk?"

They both watched him leave and once Eli was gone, Elliot turned back to Olivia. "How'd it go up there?" He looked hopeful that Olivia might have had some success.

"Well she's asleep," she sighed. "No signs of nightmares so far, but I would keep an ear out. She might not want to sleep, but she has to. Her body needs rest."

"Did she talk to you?"

"Not really. I mostly just sat with her. That seemed to help. I know you feel like you can't say the right thing to her, and maybe you can't. Just be with her. That usually works."

"Did it work for you?" He asked, the words falling from his lips before he could stop them.

"That's none of your business," she said. If looks could kill, Elliot would have been six feet under. And he knew it.

He bolted up from his seat, afraid she would run, desperate to stop her. "I'm so sorry, Liv. It just came out. God, please forgive me."

"It's fine, Elliot," she said through gritted teeth. She should have known that he knew about her run-in with Lewis, but she was hoping that his excuse for not coming to her then was that he had no idea. Obviously that wasn't true. "I have to go."

"Liv, no. It's not fine. I fucked up. I fucked up now and I fucked up five years ago and I'm just so sorry. Please tell me what I can do to fix it, Liv. Please."

He was as close as he could be without touching her and the proximity was clouding her thinking. Her body was betraying her, yearning to reach out and wrap her arms around him. But her mind was stronger, keeping her hands at her sides. She gave her body one concession, softening her voice. "I don't think there's anything you can do, Elliot. It's been five years. Why even bother at this point?"

He didn't even have to think about it. "Because you're my best friend. You're my partner. Badge or no badge. And even though I didn't honor it these last years, I never, not for one second, forgot that."

Olivia could feel the emotion flooding every part of her and she needed to get out of there before she drowned. "I… I can't."

Elliot wasn't taking no for an answer, reaching for her hand and slipping his fingers between hers. That was the final straw. A tear fell despite Olivia's best attempts to keep it at bay. "Please, Liv. I made a huge mistake and I'm asking for a chance to right it. I step one toe out of line and you can just kick me to the curb." He gave her a smile through his tears.

She didn't know how to respond. She just wanted to go home and hold her son, so she gave the most non-committal answer she could think of. "I really have to go, Elliot. But my phone number is still the same, if you decide to call."

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	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Quick chapter to move things along. I own nothing except my OC.**

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To say that Elliot had been surprised to see Olivia on his doorstep tonight would have been an understatement. Although technically it wasn't his doorstep anymore and she hadn't been there to see him. But none of that mattered. What did matter was that he had seen her again and even after he slipped up, she hadn't shut him down entirely.

" _My phone number is still the same, if you decide to call."_

Of course he wanted to call, but what would he say? Without the safety net of work, it was hard to know how to navigate any relationship he might have with Olivia. That had been one of the many excuses he had used to justify to himself why he was keeping his distance from her these past five years.

When they had been partners, Elliot had always tried to ignore how beautiful Olivia was. It was obvious to anyone with a pulse that Olivia was stunning, but if he spent all of his time focusing on it, he would never have gotten any work done. But they weren't partners anymore and Elliot couldn't help but notice how gorgeous she was. Her chocolate eyes, thin lips, crisp jaw, soft curves, legs for miles. It was all he could think about as he tossed and turned in bed that night.

He told her that she was his best friend and he meant it. She understood him, she accepted him. He hoped that in time, she would again. But as he laid there thinking about her, he knew that this time around he wanted more than just her friendship. Frustrated, he snatched up a pillow and held it over his face, releasing into it an exhausted scream.

There was a good chance Olivia might never forgive him for abandoning her the way that he did. She always acted like she was completely independent and she didn't need anyone, but Elliot knew, had always known, how much she relied on him. It made him proud to be the man that took care of her. He wanted to be that man again, but he realized that he knew nothing of what her life looked like now. What if there already was a man in the picture? What if she relied on him? What if she loved him?

Olivia deserved to be loved. She deserved to have a family. But the idea of another man being the one to give those things to her made him sick to his stomach. He knew it was most likely a pipe dream, but if Olivia could open herself up to the connection he believed they still shared and he gave her the time and space that she needed, he couldn't help but hold out hope that maybe it wasn't too late.

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As if all of the demands of her job weren't stressing her out enough, Noah woke up the next morning crying that his tummy hurt. Olivia sat with him, rubbing his stomach for a few minutes, but Noah kept writhing in pain. Bringing her hand up to his forehead, she noticed that he definitely felt warm.

She ran to the bathroom to get a thermometer and by the time she got back, Noah was covered in his own vomit. His strangled cries and the stench of his sick were the final straw for Olivia. She kept herself together long enough to give Noah a bath and change out his bedsheets but after giving him some Children's Tylenol and laying him down, she let the floodgates open.

Overwhelmed couldn't even begin to describe what she was feeling. There was so much on her plate right now and the added stress of Elliot's reappearance in her life had just pushed her past her breaking point.

It was times like this that she wished she had a true partner. She knew that a lot of her burdens were hers alone. No man could make her job any easier or her life any less stressful and it wasn't fair to expect that. But she could really use someone to lend a helping hand with Noah or to put dinner on the table on the nights she got home late. Most of all, she just wanted someone to comfort her and be there for her.

Her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom couldn't come soon enough.

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A reprieve came in the form of Jeff Caster. Olivia had three more interviews for new detectives set up, but when Jeff came in first, she just felt it. He was her new detective. He was young, which was usually a red flag because most young detectives tend to overestimate their ability to handle SVU cases, but he had experience working two years in SVU in Philadelphia. The first thing Olivia noticed about him when he walked in was how comfortable he made the people around him feel. He also had a very playful nature so she knew he would get along well with the unit.

With one thing checked off her To Do List, Olivia felt like she could breathe a little more. She cancelled the rest of her interviews for the day and decided to take a long lunch.

Waiting for her salad to arrive at the new restaurant down the street from the precinct, Olivia looked around at all the other diners. There were groups of girlfriends out for a day of shopping, men in suits making deals over drinks and steaks, couples holding hands across the table and laughing.

For Olivia, being alone did not equal feeling lonely, but in that moment at her table by herself, she definitely felt lonely. Her pity party was interrupted by the vibrations of her cell phone in her pocket.

It was a number she had long deleted from her phone, but one she would never forget. When she had given him permission to call last night, she didn't expect he would do it so soon. She wasn't ready to have a conversation with him right now so she let it go to voicemail. As soon as her phone lit up, announcing that he had indeed left a message, Olivia held it up to her ear. She didn't want to talk, but she was curious about what he had to say.

" _Hey, Liv. It's me. I don't know if you aren't answering because you're out saving the world or because you're giving me a taste of my own medicine. Either way, I'm going to keep calling. Because you're worth it. Talk to you soon. Bye."_

After five years worth of heartbreak and anger, she didn't understand how a few nice words from him were enough to twist her insides in knots. She didn't know what she was feeling, all she knew was that he made her _feel,_ in a way no one else ever had.

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True to his word, Elliot called again the next day, but Olivia didn't hear the phone ringing on the kitchen counter from her seat on the couch with Ed. Noah still wasn't feeling good so Olivia had put him down a few hours early. After dinner, they had cleaned up together and Ed turned on some Western film. Olivia rested her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

Turning her head to face him, Ed tucked his hand under her chin and leaned down to place a kiss on her lips. Just as Olivia opened her mouth and felt his tongue slip between her lips, Noah let out a wail from his bedroom. She placed a quick kiss on his cheek before standing up to check on her son.

"I'll get us a couple of beers," Ed announced to her retreating form.

Noah was sitting up in his bed, tear streaks glistening on his face, his left thumb wedged between his lips.

"Mama," he mumbled, reaching for her. Olivia scooped her son up and pressed a kiss to his forehead to soothe him. She moved over to the rocking chair in the corner of his room and sat down. Noah rested his head on her breasts, fisting the fabric of her shirt with his right hand, his left thumb still in his mouth. They rocked slowly, Olivia making soft shushing sounds, Noah sniffling as he reined his tears in.

So much was uncertain in her life right now, but the one constant was in her arms. Kissing his hair, Olivia whispered, "Mommy loves you, Noah."

"Lo' you," Noah garbled against his thumb.

After a few minutes of steady rocking, Noah was fast asleep once more.

Olivia closed the door to her son's room gently, careful not to wake him. She turned around and saw Ed at her kitchen counter. His back was to her and when Olivia placed her hand on his shoulder, he flinched.

Olivia pulled back and Ed turned around. In his hands, he was clutching her cell phone. "You wanna tell me why you have a voicemail from Stabler?" He spit, his jaw clenched.

 _Fuck._

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	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I'm back. I still own nothing except my overactive imagination.**

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 _Olivia closed the door to her son's room gently, careful not to wake him. She turned around and saw Ed at her kitchen counter. His back was to her and when Olivia placed her hand on his shoulder, he flinched._

 _Olivia pulled back and Ed turned around. In his hands, he was clutching her cell phone. "You wanna tell me why you have a voicemail from Stabler?" He spit, his jaw clenched._

 _Fuck._

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Olivia racked her brain for a reasonable explanation, without giving too much away. But as she struggled to come up with a suitable answer, something occurred to her. Something she should have thought of sooner. "Why are you looking at my phone?" she fired back.

Ed tossed her phone down on the counter. "There. Now I'm not looking at it. I'll ask again, why do you have a voicemail from Stabler?"

"I am not having this conversation with you, Ed," Olivia huffed, walking past him.

"I should have know," Ed shook his head. "That's why you've been so difficult lately. Is that why you were crying the other day? There is no 'difficult case' is there? It's that jackass."

Olivia whipped around, "You need to stop right there. You have no idea what you're talking about." Out of respect for the young woman's privacy, she was not about to share Lizzie's story with Ed as some kind of justification. Her actions didn't need to be justified to him anyway.

Shades of red crept up Ed's throat as he spoke. "I know exactly what I'm talking about. I was there. I saw you two. He dragged you down then and he's doing it again."

Olivia shook her head as if to repel his words before they took root in her mind. She could think of a thousand responses that would hurt him, but only half as much as he was hurting her. Instead she said firmly, "I think you should leave."

"You've got to be fucking kidding, Olivia. Don't you see you're doing exactly what he wants you to do? You're throwing your life away for him. Again." Ed's hands were curled into fists, his knuckles white. She had never seen him this upset and it was only a voicemail. If he knew that she had seen Elliot, spoken to him twice, she couldn't imagine how he would react.

"I think you should go," she insisted, matching him glare for glare. After a few seconds, when he saw Olivia wasn't letting up, Ed grabbed his jacket and stormed out, slamming the door shut behind him. Olivia cringed at the loud noise and waited to hear Noah's screams. Mercifully, they didn't come.

The apartment was eerily silent. Olivia picked up her phone from the counter and saw the voicemail notification from Elliot. So Ed hadn't listened to it. He just saw Stabler's name and flew into a blind rage. Reaching for the bottle of red that was still out from dinner and pouring herself a generous glass, she wondered if she should listen to the message.

 _What the hell_ , she thought, taking her first sip. Tonight couldn't get any worse. Moving over to the couch and taking another sip she pressed the small triangle next to his name.

" _Me again. Just wanted to check in. Lizzie's doing a little better. She almost ate a full bowl of soup today. And she's been sleeping. Two to three hour shifts, but it's something, right? I just want to thank you, Liv. For whatever you said, whatever you did, to help her. It means everything. Hope things are good with you. Call you tomorrow. Night."_

In through the nose. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through the mouth. It's another coping mechanism she picked up from Dr. Lindstrom for when she's on edge. Elliot was saying all the right things and there were moments when she found herself wanting to forgive him. He hadn't tried to make excuses for his behavior at all, apologizing at every opportunity. But apologies weren't enough to erase the last five years.

The truth of the matter was that she just didn't know what to do with Elliot anymore. There was no clear place in her life where he fit and she had too much going on to spend time trying to make it work. What if he just left again anyway? What if they had both changed so much that they just didn't fit together anymore?

The only thing she knew for sure was that Ed was wrong. Elliot never dragged her down. For over a decade he was everything to her. Her partner, her family, her best friend, her husband. He had supported her when she had no one else. But what she still didn't understand, could never understand, was how after all of that he could just up and leave her. She looked down at her empty glass before her eyes flickered over to her cell phone lying next to her on the couch.

Before she could think twice she opened her recent calls and pressed on Elliot's name. The phone rang and her stomach clenched. Palms slick with sweat, heart pounding. With each new ring she wondered if she should hang up. But just as she was pulling the phone from her ear she heard it, "Liv?"

"Yeah. It's me." She picked a piece of lint of her pants and rolled the white puff between her thumb and forefinger.

"Wow. Uh, I… I guess I wasn't expecting to hear from you so soon. I thought you'd make me leave at least as many voicemails for you as you did for me," he let out a small chuckle and Olivia couldn't help herself. Despite the fact that there was nothing funny about the desperate attempts she made to reach out to him immediately after the shooting, she caught herself smiling at his words. But then she remembered why she was doing this and as quickly as they rose, the corners of her mouth fell.

"I didn't make this call for you, Elliot."

"Okay," he cleared his throat. "What's up?"

"I need to know. I don't understand how you could just leave the way that you did. You made me feel like I meant absolutely nothing to you and I know you're sorry, Elliot, I know, but I just..." She stopped to take a breath. "I need to understand why. Please."

"Liv, I will explain it to you if that's what you want. I had my reasons, but I was wrong. I just want you to know that I know there is absolutely no justification for my actions."

Olivia nodded slowly along with his words. She looked up across the room and saw Noah standing in the hallway rubbing his eyes. So caught up in her conversation, she hadn't even noticed him wake up on the monitor. "I gotta go," she said quickly, hanging up the phone and making her way over to her son. He held his arms up for her to pick him up and when he buried his face in the crook of her neck she let out a deep sigh.

"You okay, baby?" She asked, ruffling Noah's hair and pressing her lips to his forehead to feel his temperature.

"I sleep with you, Momma?" Normally she didn't let Noah sleep in her bed. An important part of forming a healthy attachment was making sure that he spend the night in his own room. But they were both having a particularly rough night so she kissed the top of his head and decided to make an exception just this once.

"Yeah, sweetie. Let's go to sleep."

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In her session with Dr. Lindstrom, Olivia talked a lot about the past. Elliot had come up in her sessions before, but for the first time he was the focus of their conversation. She spoke about their partnership and what it meant to her. She spoke about how much it hurt her when he left and how it made her question everything. She had been embarrassed to admit for exactly how long she tried to get in touch with him after she left. She recounted the night of Lizzie's assault and how it made her feel to be faced with the Stabler family once more.

In closing, Dr. Lindstrom asked her to think about one thing after she left the office. What did she want from Elliot going forward? It was easier said than done.

She was still waiting to hear the explanation she had asked for last night, but she knew it was her fault for hanging up on him so abruptly. Noah's sudden appearance while she was on the phone with Elliot had startled her. In her ear she had the voice of the former center of her universe while her eyes had been staring at the current one. And neither of them knew that the other existed. She couldn't handle it and had freaked out, hanging up without giving him a chance to say anything.

Before her argument with Ed last night, they had been planning on going to dinner, talking about their relationship. But the last thing she wanted right now was to deal with his questions and his accusations about Elliot. He had tried to call once this morning, but she sent him to voicemail and he hadn't left a message.

She arrived back at the station and things were quiet. Caster was out with Carisi interviewing a witness. Rollins and Fin sat at their desks, catching up on paperwork. Things were so quiet and Fin could handle anything that did come up. It was just after lunch, but Olivia decided to take advantage of the opportunity to leave work early.

She sent Lucy a text letting her know she could relieve her, but Lucy responded that since Noah was feeling better, they had just gotten to the Children's Museum. _You can totally come meet us and take Noah yourself,_ she had sweetly replied. Olivia bit her lip and looked over at her computer screen. It would just take one quick search and she would know where he was.

She typed out a kind rejection of Lucy's offer and told them to have fun before scanning the squad room as discretely as possible. She was being irrational, she knew, but when she confirmed that no one was paying her any attention she pulled up the browser and entered his name in the search bar. Stabler, Elliot. He popped up almost immediately and her eyes narrowed in on his current residence. The Upper West Side. This had to be some kind of sick joke. According to the records, he had been living less than 20 blocks from her for the last three years.

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Olivia wished she could say she was surprised to end up at Elliot's building instead of continuing past it to her own. But now that she knew where he was, she couldn't un-know it. The pull she felt to him wasn't something she could ignore, especially in light of her session today. Maybe now was the time to figure out what she wanted from him, to finish their conversation from last night. She just hoped he was home.

Just as she was getting ready to press the 3F buzzer, a tall brunette man in a pressed suit with a backpack slung over one shoulder walked through the door, holding it open for her with a smile. She walked through it quickly, muttering her thanks.

The interior of the building was nice. It had that fresh smell of New York buildings that have recently been renovated. The wall along the stairs was exposed brick. With Noah growing up so quickly, she would have to move soon to give them more space and Olivia thought that she would like it if her next apartment had exposed brick.

She arrived at the third floor quickly and moved determinedly down the hallway. In through the nose. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through the mouth. She took three deep breaths outside his door before rapping her fist against the the thick wood twice. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"I'll get it, Elliot," she heard a feminine voice call out, getting louder as she approached.

Olivia's legs were burning with the desire to run, but it was too late. There was no way she would make it to the stairs without being seen. The door swung open and she was faced with the owner of the voice. She hated to admit that this mystery woman was gorgeous. She brushed away one of her long blonde curls before speaking, "Hi, I'm Allison. Elliot's just in the kitchen. Come on in." Shit.

"That's okay. I… I can come back. It's nothing important," she said, fidgeting in place.

"Who is it?" Elliot asked and Olivia could hear his footsteps approaching. In a second he was in front of her. His eyes lit up as soon as they landed on her.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come," she said, backing away.

Elliot turned to the blonde, Allison, wiping his hands on the dish towel that he was holding and tucking it into his back pocket. "Do you mind giving us a minute?"

She nodded and gave Olivia a smile, disappearing into the apartment. Elliot stepped out into the hall and shut the door behind him. "Liv, I know you want to run right now, but please don't."

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 **Review?**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Short but necessary filler.**

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Olivia huffed, upset that Elliot still knew her so well. She was dying to get out of there. "I'm not," she said full of indignation.

"Good," he smiled. "It's good to see you. Really good. I thought after you hung up on me last night…" He trailed off, staring at the floor for a minute. "I just didn't know if or when I'd hear from you again."

"I don't know why I came here, I should have just called," Olivia admitted, hoping he understood how uncomfortable she felt. If he was still tuned into her thoughts and feelings, she might as well take advantage of it. "I just wanted to continue our talk from yesterday. I didn't hang up because of you. Something just…" She thought of her son and shook her head slightly. "Came up," she finished.

Elliot gave her a weak, but understanding smile. "Okay, so let's talk."

"No, we can talk later. I didn't mean to interrupt," she gestured at his apartment door.

"Liv, Allison is…"

"I know who Allison is and I don't care, Elliot. In fact, I'm with someone, too," she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

She watched Elliot's face fall. He wasn't angry. He didn't lash out. He was hurt. But his broken expression didn't last long, as he quickly collected himself. However, Olivia could still see the traces of pain in his blue eyes.

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That stung. A lot. But he wasn't going to make this about him. It was about Olivia. "That's good, Liv. I'm happy for you. You deserve it. You deserve everything. I'm sorry if I ever stood in the way of that." It pained him to force the words from his lips, but they were true. If she had found peace with another man, he would never try to ruin that for her out of a selfish desire to keep her to himself. He lost the right to meddle in her life a long time ago.

But there was a small part of him that wondered if she really was happy with this man, whoever he was. She did seem a little jealous of Allison, after all. But there was nothing to be jealous of. "I'm not dating Allison, though," he said. "She is the mother of one of Eli's best friends, Cory. The boys are just having a play date."

"Oh," Olivia said, lowering her arms to her sides. "Well maybe now isn't such a good time to talk. You've got a full house."

"Liv." Was she ever going to give him a chance to explain himself? If she left now, like this, would he ever get another chance?

"I'm not saying there will never be a good time, Elliot, but now is clearly not it. This isn't a conversation I want to squeeze in."

He didn't want to hold onto even a sliver of hope, because experience had taught him that Olivia was entirely unpredictable. But the fact that she wasn't just giving up, that she hadn't decided she was no longer interested in whatever he had to say, had him hanging on with both hands. "Okay, well I have Eli through dinner because Kathy is working until 8. What if we get together after I drop him off? I can come by your place, if that's more convenient for you," he offered.

She didn't answer and he knew there were probably a thousand thoughts rushing at her at once. "You can't come there," she finally said.

"Why," he sighed. "Your boyfriend wouldn't like it?" He didn't mean to sound so snotty but his patience with Olivia was running thin. He wasn't going to beg her to meet him so he could beg her to forgive him. He had changed a lot over the past five years, but he still had some measure of pride.

"My son," she sneered.

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She hadn't meant to reveal that tidbit to Elliot just yet, but he could rile her up like no one else. And now that it was out there, she would never deny her son.

"You… You have…" Elliot stuttered, his mouth hanging open and his eyes blinking furiously.

"Noah," Olivia said, her voice softening at thoughts of her beautiful little boy.

"That's wonderful, Liv. He's a lucky boy to have you as his mom." Tears formed in his eyes and it warmed Olivia's heart that Elliot felt her happiness so deeply. Ed was wrong, she thought again. Elliot had only ever wanted the best for her. She was sure of it. She remembered the day she signed the papers, making Noah officially her son. Elliot had been on her mind a lot that day and she wished that he had been there at the celebration.

"I'm the lucky one. He's a dream come true. He's the sweetest boy and so smart." She couldn't help herself when it came to bragging about Noah and judging by the look on Elliot's face, he didn't mind.

They stared at each other, smiling, eyes brimming for a few seconds before Elliot tore his gaze away, looking down at the ground. He cleared his throat softly and Olivia waited for the words she knew were coming. She could feel it.

He stuffed his fists in his pockets and without looking up, he spoke. "Sounds like you finally have everything you ever wanted. A relationship. A child. I really am happy for you, Olivia. If you believe anything I say, believe that." He was pulling away from her. That wasn't surprising. What was surprising, however, was the ache she felt in her chest at the thought of losing him again. She had only just found him. For the first time in longer than Olivia cared to admit, she knew what she wanted.

"Not everything," she whispered, suddenly glad he wouldn't meet her eyes. "Noah goes to bed around eight. Why don't you just come over? We can talk."

"Liv, what about your…"

"We don't live together. We're just dating. I adopted Noah on my own a year and a half ago. It's a long story, but I found him on the job and he had no one. I fell so in love with him that when the judge offered me a chance to be his mother, I didn't think twice about it." She hadn't planned on telling him any of this when she called him last night, but the words were falling from her lips now without a second thought.

The relief in his eyes was clearly noticeable, but Olivia tried not to wonder too hard about what it meant. Or what it meant that she felt relieved to see his relief. "Okay, Liv. I better get back inside and help keep an eye on the boys, but I'll see you tonight. Text me your address?"

"Sure," Olivia smiled. "See you, El."

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 **Up Next: Elliot opens up about the last five years. How will Olivia react?**


	12. Chapter 12

I know, I know. I've been gone for way too long and I have no excuse except that for various reasons, I haven't been feeling very creative.

I also want to thank everyone who favorited, followed, reviewed, or tweeted me (jamster4170 on twitter) during this hiatus. It's because of you that this story is still going. I'd give you all a hug if I could (and I'm not even a hugger). If you haven't reached out yet, please feel free to do so! I love hearing from you.

Now onto the fic! _The part in Italics is a flashback._

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The bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon called out to Olivia from it's home on the kitchen counter, but she ignored it. She wanted to be sober for this far-overdue conversation with Elliot. Once it was over and she had closed the door behind him, she would allow herself to comforted by her liquid friend.

She glanced at the cable box and saw that it was approaching 9:30. Elliot would be arriving any minute. On the screen of her iPad she saw Noah, limbs spread, body twitching in sleep. He went down without protest at 8:00 on the dot. Thank God for small favors. She had spent the time between now and then finishing up some paperwork and cleaning up Noah's toys, a futile pursuit given her son's penchant for making a mess.

She turned on the television to pass the time and during the first commercial break, she heard the gentle knocking.

 _Not everything_.

It had been a careless admission. Not because it wasn't true. But because she didn't want to give Elliot any sort of false hope; she was still just as lost as ever when it came to what she wanted from their relationship. All she knew was that she didn't want to lose him again. "One step at a time," she breathed, making her way to the door. For now, she just had to focus on this conversation, on hearing Elliot out. Maybe after tonight she would have a better idea of where they could go from here.

She opened the door to see Elliot standing there, staring at the ground. She could feel the anxiety radiating off of him as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. This conversation wouldn't be easy for either of them, but they owed it to each other to put it all out on the table.

"Come on in, El." The use of his nickname lightened the atmosphere for both of them. A smile broke on Elliot's face as he followed her inside the apartment. He took his coat off and hung it on the rack next to hers.

"Can I get you something to drink?" she offered.

Elliot chuckled lightly, "I'd love a whiskey, but I think I should just stick with water."

Olivia gave him a half smile before turning on her socked feet to pour them a couple glasses. As he made his way over to the couch, Elliot took in Olivia's new apartment. It was bigger than the one she lived in throughout their partnership, the appliances and the furniture more modern. He would characterize her old place as "garage-sale-chic," while this bright, new space looked like it could be featured in one of the Better Home and Gardens magazines Kathy used to pick up from the grocery store.

All of these visible changes reminded him that there were even more he couldn't see. His absence, becoming Lieutenant, what she went through with Lewis. All of it had changed Olivia irrevocably. He just hoped that the new Olivia would allow him a chance to get to know her again, to be there for her the way he should have been for the last five years.

"I like the new place," he said as he took a seat on the couch and waited for her to join him.

"Thanks," she replied from the kitchen. "I can't take credit though. It was all an interior designer." When they had moved in together after Lewis, Brian hadn't wanted her to worry about anything other than her recovery. He hired a designer and even got excited about choosing paint colors and window treatments. She hadn't been able to appreciate it at the time given the state she was in, but she really was impressed with the way it had turned out.

Making her way over to Elliot, she held one glass out to him. Their fingers brushed as he took it and it was like a chemical reaction. The spot where he touched her became warm and her skin started to tingle. She shook her hand out before sitting down and taking a big gulp of water.

They had barely spoken, but their body language was already saying plenty. Elliot sat facing Olivia, his body turned to her, limbs open. Olivia, on the other hand, faced directly forward, her shoulders square with the back of the couch. Her hands were folded in her lap. But Elliot didn't miss the fact that with the entire couch to choose from, she was sitting less than two feet away from him. If he wanted to, he could reach out and touch her. Following her line of sight, he saw a video of a young boy sleeping on the screen of her iPad.

"Noah?" he asked, hoping the mention of her son would lighten the atmosphere a bit. It had seemed to work earlier this afternoon.

"Yeah," she sighed, her eyes shining and her demeanor softening a bit. Damn him for knowing how to get to her.

"He's beautiful, Liv." It was so hard not to cover her hands with his, so instead he reached for his glass and took another sip of the cool liquid.

Olivia said nothing, just stared at the live stream of her son rolling over in his sleep. She knew the message she must be sending to Elliot, but it wasn't that she didn't care. Just the opposite. She cared so much that it overwhelmed her. Silence was the only way she could keep it together.

Elliot let out a deep sigh, running his hands through his short-cropped hair. "I don't even know where to start, Liv. I… Can you please look at me?"

Olivia sucked in a sharp breath and turned to face him. He could see slight tinges of red around her eyes already. No matter what he said or did, she was going to be hurt; she was already, and had been for the last five years. "I'm so sorry. I know I've said it a hundred times and it might not even mean anything to you, but I'm going to keep saying it because it's true. I never meant to cause you pain, Olivia. Never."

Olivia's bottom lip quivered and she couldn't believe how quickly the defenses she had built up were crumbling in the moment. But it wasn't just about this moment. It was about every moment since that fateful day that she had wanted him, needed him, missed him. Her eyes were welling and Elliot looked blurry through her tears. She hated letting him know the effect he had on her, but in truth, he had always known.

Elliot saw her struggling and he wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her. Lose his fingers in her long, thick locks and whisper sweet reassurances in her ear. But that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted the truth. She wanted answers that only he could provide. She deserved them.

"I know you've taken a life, but Jenna…. This was different," he started, wringing his hands. "She was a little girl and we were supposed to protect her. It was a clean shoot, but that didn't stop me from hating myself." The memories washed over him in waves that threatened to drag him back beneath the surface. He didn't want to fall apart. Not in front of Olivia. He took a deep breath, feeling the oxygen saturate his lungs before continuing.

"So I, uh, didn't get off the couch for a while, unless it was to go get another six pack." It was impossible to look into Olivia's eyes as he confessed his failures, so he dropped his gaze to the ground.

"I drank myself stupid because every time I closed my eyes, I saw myself pulling the trigger; saw the blood pouring from her body, staining my hands red. But when I passed out, I didn't see anything. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel like a failure. Like I let that little girl down. Like I let you down," his voice cracked noticeably.

Olivia shook her head at his words. He had let her down, but not by shooting Jenna. Not at all. He had been doing his job and if anyone understood that it was his partner. "El-" she started, but was interrupted by his open palm.

"Please let me get this out, Liv."

Olivia nodded silently. It wasn't going to be easy to keep quiet, but she didn't want to put an end to his admission. Instead, she clenched her fists at her sides.

"Kathy and the kids… they didn't know what to do. They tried to help, but there was nothing they could do." He let out a disbelieving chuckle before making the next admission, "Kathy even begged me to call you. She threatened to do it herself. After all the times she accused me of…" He shook his head. "I just never thought I'd see the day."

The lump in Olivia's throat was growing more and more with every word he spilled. It had never been a secret that Kathy didn't care for the bond she and Elliot shared. She heard the groans and the mumbles of protest when she called Elliot at home about a case. For Kathy to look to Olivia for help, it had to be ugly. She blinked hard, hoping to erase the images that were piling up in her brain.

"After I handed in my papers, it just got worse. I was a mess, Liv. But I need you to know that I thought about you every single day. You were the only person I wanted to talk to, to see. And I know, I know you were just on the other end of the phone and I could have called you at any time, but I really didn't want to drag you down with me. I didn't want to taint you, Liv, because you're so good, and I... I just destroy everything I touch, everything I love." With his last words, the tears slipped down his cheeks.

Throughout their partnership, Elliot had been her strength. She had leaned on him so many times, consciously or not, taking for granted that he could handle it. To see him so obviously broken in front of her was unnerving. Without thinking, she reached her hand out, laying it on Elliot's knee.

He looked down in disbelief before bringing his left hand to cover hers and giving it a gentle squeeze. "It was almost a year before Kathy gave me an ultimatum. Honestly, I'm surprised it took so long. She took Eli and went to stay with her mother. Told me that I had thirty days to get my shit together or she was done." His knees were shaking uncontrollably

"All of the kids had given up on me, but not Eli. He still wanted his dad back and I couldn't lose him. So I dumped out all the booze in the house and started seeing one of the therapists the department recommended for me right after the shooting. I got a job working security and Kathy and Eli came home, but it wasn't the same. I wasn't me. The doc, she gave me some pills and they helped at first. Or I thought they did. But…" he trailed off, gnawing at his lower lip. He gripped Olivia's hand tighter.

"But.." she said, gently. Elliot took a few slow breaths and Olivia felt her insides twisting. She scooted closer to him on the couch, hoping that would tell him the things that she couldn't. Not yet.

"I don't even know why I did it," he said, shaking his head. His heart was slamming against his chest remembering that night.

"Did what, El?" She reached for his head, bringing him back to her, back to this moment.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself; at least I don't think I was. I just wanted a break. I wanted to stop feeling both everything and nothing."

 _Elliot stared at the television in front of him, an over-coiffed, unnaturally excited couple trying to sell a blender. Or was it a food processor? He wasn't paying attention to the screen anyway. Kathy and Eli had gone to sleep hours ago and the apartment was so quiet._

 _Except for the sounds of Jenna choking on her own blood as the life drained from her body. He saw himself cradling her body, begging her to live._

 _He blinked and suddenly Jenna was gone. In her place was Maureen. And then Kathleen. Lizzie. Olivia. He was screaming but not making a sound._

 _He just wanted it to stop. So he shook out a dozen green and white pills in his palm and washed them down the whiskey he kept hidden next to his tools in the garage._

 _When his eyes drifted shut, he didn't see anything._

Olivia felt like she was going to be sick. She needed to get away, but the heat from Elliot's hand kept her rooted in place. She didn't want to exchange that warmth for the cool tile floor and porcelain toilet bowl.

She could see him struggling to continue and she stepped in, "You don't have to, El. I understand."

"No, Liv, you don't. But you need to. And I need you to. I can do this." His rubbed his thumb across her knuckles while his opposite hand white-knuckled his knee. Olivia didn't know how much more of this she could take. They had been through a lot together, but they had never done this before. Opened up to each other.

"They put me under a 72 hour psych hold." They had seen it happen to so many victims when they were past their breaking point. Olivia had never told anyone, not even Brian, but there were moments after Lewis when she felt the desire to hurt herself. She would occasionally "knick" herself with a razor or dig her nails into her palm hard enough to break the skin, but it had never gone far enough to threaten her life.

But Elliot... It didn't make sense. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that he had tried to take his own life, that she had been so close to losing him forever. Without thinking about it, she wrapped her arms around him.

The feeling of Olivia's body against his was a shock to his system. It was so unfamiliar but at the same time so natural. After a moment, he brought his arms up to hold her as well, tucking his face into her neck.

His breath tickled her skin and she inhaled his heady scent. She felt his tears staining the fabric of her shirt and she gripped him tighter. She had seen Elliot cry more tonight than in the entirety of their partnership.

They sat like that for a few minutes, Olivia rubbing his back while Elliot sobbed softly. "I missed you so much, Liv. I thought about you every second I was in that hospital. I wanted to ask the doctors to call you, but I couldn't let you see me like that. So weak, so broken." He chuckled darkly, warm puffs of air giving rise to goosebumps on her neck. "I guess you're seeing me like that now, anyway, huh?"

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Up next: the conversation continues...


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